Birth control shouldn’t be taboo. And yet, there’s still a hush-hush mentality when it comes to talking about safe sex, reproductive health, and contraception. Enter: Essencelle, with the goal of raising awareness about these very topics.

“Birth control is probably the number one empowerment tool for women,” says Rupinder Toor, a family doctor and founder of a women’s clinic in Calgary. Dr. Toor weighs in on some of the most common queries and myths surrounding contraception. To learn more about your options, speak to a healthcare provider and visit Essencelle.ca.

What types of birth control options are available?

Not all birth control methods are the same — and there’s a lot to choose from. A few examples include the implant, as well as both hormonal and non-hormonal IUDs. The pill, the vaginal ring, the patch, or using a condom.

How do I choose the right method of birth control?

“What you really need to think about is: what are your reproductive goals?” suggests Toor. “When do you actually want to be pregnant? And how important is it for you not to be pregnant until you’re ready?” Once you have a clear understanding of your path and plans you can speak to your healthcare provider to understand the best option for you based on your needs. 

How can I talk to my doctor about the different methods of contraception?

Be open about your sexual activity and plans for pregnancy, and ask what option is right for you based on that, says Toor. “Reframing it from a reproductive goals approach takes it away from the sex part, which is what people have a tough time talking about.”

Doctors can also help in figuring out financial logistics, from government subsidies to assistance programs offered through pharmaceutical companies.

How can I talk to my new partner about our birth control options?

Have an honest conversation about when — or if — you want kids. “If the answer for both of you is like, ‘Yeah, not now. Not anytime soon,’ then talk about what the options might be,” says Toor. “Sometimes the reproductive burden falls on women [because] most birth control options are designed for women.” (Currently, the only male birth control option is a condom). But even if one partner is not taking birth control, they can still be proactive in prioritizing reproductive health — whether it’s by offering financial and emotional support or wearing a condom and getting tested to protect against sexually transmitted diseases.

What is the most widely-spread misconception about birth control?

“People think birth control is about sex,” says Toor. “But birth control is about having a reproductive plan. It’s about being in control of your goals and getting more information about the things that will help you meet those goals.”

That involves busting another myth: the idea that there aren’t that many options out there. “A lot of women, when they think of birth control, they think of the pill,” she says. “But there’s so much available outside of that.”

Ready to learn more about your birth control options? Visit Essencelle.ca today. 

The post Answers to Questions About Contraception You’ve Been Too Scared to Ask appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

I grew up in the ’90s and got my first period at 13. Periods were a dirty secret — I didn’t tell my mom or my friends for a year when I got mine. I hated it and the constant reminder from *gestures vaguely* society that I was dirty. At school, we were discouraged from even mentioning it outside of sex ed class and at the time, many public washrooms weren’t even equipped with pad or tampon dispensers. We used passive terms for it like “Aunt Flo” or “monthly visitor” instead of calling it what it is. Pads are commonly called sanitary napkins when nothing is unsanitary about them at all. Now 30 years old, I still refer to my period as “Shark Week” to help ease the tension of discussing periods with my sexual partners. They always laugh, so, mission accomplished?

But as I’ve come into my own in my late twenties, carrying around this weird shame — among many others, namely my body size — has become my ball and chain. For at least one week every month, my menstrual cycle runs the show. She dictates what I eat, how much exercise I do (or don’t do), whose head I bite off, how I feel about my body, how horny I am and the fact that I can’t have partnered sex — or so I thought.

Rachael Newton, the founder of period-care brand Nixit, wants to change that.

She first got the idea of creating a sustainable period product while living abroad on an island, and noticing just how much waste she was producing from tampons and pads alone. But while shopping for a menstrual cup, sifting through confusing information from some leading brands and chatting with friends about their period troubles, she finally decided to design one of her own.

It took three years for the Nixit menstrual cup to come to fruition. The brand’s silicone cup, unlike tampons and other leading period cups, doesn’t use absorption or suction to stay in place. Instead, it uses gravity and our bodies own unique natural forms to sit comfortably in place. Its super light, ultra flexible body leans against the pubic bone and vaginal fornix, higher up than most other products that sit at the base of the cervix in the vaginal canal, like a diaphragm. The material is thinner, lighter and more pliable, and the lack of suction allows for comfortable movement and shifting into the perfect position for you. And because it doesn’t use suction, it’s actually a lot easier to insert and remove; while it sits higher, it’s easier to reach and take out with your fingertips — no awkward pinching and tugging required.

And yes, it’s perfect for period sex. Unlike other menstrual cups, Nixit sits higher up in the vaginal canal, not only reducing the amount of blood that can leak during sex, but also actually allowing for more comfortable penetration while it’s inserted.

Orgasming during your period can help relieve menstrual pain

“Some people are totally comfortable with [period sex], and that’s fine for them,” Newton says. “But for a lot of people [who aren’t comfortable with it], it opens up the conversation because they’re like, ‘I’ve got this product [and] it doesn’t matter that I have my period.'”

There are many reasons people may want to have sex on their periods, she explains. For some, their sex drive runs high while menstruating. And furthermore, orgasms can help with relieving cramps.

Research shows that having sex on your period can relieve cramping pain thanks to the oxytocin and endorphins released after orgasm. Research by former professor and author Beverly Whipple found that women’s pain tolerance and detection increased by 74.6 and 106.7 percent respectively after orgasm.

Additionally, for those who experience pain during intercourse, period blood can act as extra lubricant during penetration, thereby increasing pleasure — for both parties.

Having period sex can be an act of sexual self-confidence and empowerment

Beth* grew up knowing her period was a secret, encouraged by her mother to stay quiet about it and always feeling awkward bringing it up with partners. As she matured, being able to have sex on her period became an important part of her life and relationship with her partner, who’s always been open to learning.

“I want to know that my partner is comfortable with all of my body, and period sex is a big part of that for me,” she says. “And having a longer than average period has meant that being comfortable with period sex is almost a necessity.”

Using Nixit has allowed Beth the freedom to not have to plan around her period, but rather make it a part of her life — a move that’s helped improve her sexual confidence tenfold.

“When I used a menstrual cup previously, I found it difficult to get excited about sex because planning around my complex menstrual cycle started to become a burden,” she says. “Using Nixit as a means of having mess-free period sex … gave me flexibility to have sex whenever I want.”

On the other hand, when Stephanie* got her first period, her family took her out for dinner to celebrate.

“My parents never told me to hide it or not talk about it, and definitely never mentioned it was dirty” she says. The most she was concerned about was smelling bad in high school, but periods were never an issue when it came to having sex.

“If sex was initiated, I would just say, ‘By the way, I have my period right now,'” she says. “It’s never been an issue. The usual reaction from a partner was, ‘let’s get a dark towel or try the bathroom counter, to avoid making too much of a mess.'” Now, “if we’re in the mood, it’s a non-issue,” she adds.

Period sex also has a lot to do with building body respect

Millie* grew up in a period-friendly household; her grandfather was even a gynaecologist. But because her friends weren’t as vocal about periods, she didn’t talk about it as much. The more comfortable she got with her body, the easier it became.

“In the beginning, I only ever mentioned my period as a ‘warning’ before sex,” she says. “As I become more comfortable with my sexuality and my partners, it would become a more open conversation.”

“What’s most important to me is that my partner respects my body … That includes not shaming me for something that’s natural to my body.”

At the end of the day, being able to enjoy our bodies on or off our periods is paramount to building a positive relationship to our own beings — whether it’s sex with ourselves or sex with our partners, or exploring our bodies through using period cups.

*Names have been changed at the source’s request. 

The post You *Should* Be Having Sex On Your Period — Here’s Why appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Meet the new Goop Double-Sided Wand Vibrator, a toy so cute you might not be so quick to hide in it your bottom drawer. (But who’s surprised? Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand is known for its aesthetically pleasing wares. As Kiki Koroshetz, Wellness Director of Content at Goop, tells me: “Because it’s Goop, beyond designing a vibrator that was effective and ergonomic and functional, we spent serious time on the aesthetic. The final design, as you can see, is sculptural and there’s a fun pop of colour. If you’re inclined to leave the vibrator on your nightstand, it might even bring a little joy just to see it there.”

It’s also thoughtfully engineered, with one round end for external massage and the other slim end for targeted stimulation; each side features eight different pulsating patterns with varying intensities. But creating the Goop vibe didn’t just happen overnight. “This vibrator was about eighteen months in the making,” says Koroshetz. “Our team has tested many vibrators over the years — tough job but someone has to do it, right? We had some favourite features that we wanted to include and some upgrades we wanted to incorporate.”

Koroshetz goes on to explain the features that were non-negotiable in the Goop vibrator. “Wand massagers have that rumbly external vibration that works for people who get off quick and for people who need extra stimulation. We wanted one end of the vibrator to be the ultimate wonder-ball wand. And it is — it packs a lot of power,” she says. “But we wanted more. So the other end is slim for targeted stimulation and can be used externally or internally. It’s all made of body-safe silicone and is very soft to the touch, but this slim end is bendy, which is pretty unique.”

She adds that beyond technical prowess and an artful design, the toy has all the “unsexy practical details that felt like no-brainers to us but that are missing from other vibrators.” She explains: “It’s waterproof. It’s got a travel lock (we’ll be able to travel again someday, right?). And it has a rechargeable battery with an LED display, so you can see how much time you have left until you need to plug the vibrator in, which means it won’t die on you when you really don’t want it to.”

Slightly intimidated by the eight different intensity settings (or vibrational patterns, as Koroshetz calls them)? She says don’t be. “Using the vibrator is simple and intuitive — first-timers welcome — and there are two easy-to-reach buttons.”

And as Koroshetz stresses, self-pleasure is worth investing your time in. “What turns you on? How do you meet your desires? When do you feel most connected to yourself? I think carving out the time and space to explore those questions and to explore pleasure is a worthy way of taking care of yourself.”

The Goop Double-Sided Wand Vibrator is available as of February 14 exclusively on goop.com.

The post Goop’s First-Ever Vibrator Is Here—And She’s a Beauty appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

If you’re a post-secondary student, you might be trying to have as normal a year as you possibly can, whether you’re living in residence, in an apartment off campus or at home with your parents. But school is already stressful enough, and with a global pandemic still ongoing, it’s safe to say that academic stress is amplified this year. And while young people turn to various outlets as a means to blow off steam and de-stress, from exercise to bread baking and Netflix marathons, one of their other outlets is no longer really an easy option—or at least as safe an option as it was pre-pandemic: having sex.

In early September 2020, Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s top doctor, recommended using barriers, like masks, when engaging in sex with people outside your bubble, and trying positions that aren’t face-to-face in order to reduce the risk of COVID-19 transmission. Or just abstaining from sex with another person at all (because you know, you can do it yourself). But winter is lonely. And a pandemic winter is even lonelier, so it’s a natural time to want to find someone to cozy up to, whether that’s for a couple of months or for a couple of nights. In a normal academic year, there’s the allure of the cute person in your class giving you sideways glances, or the gritty glamour of dorm parties to fuel new connections and strange conversations. (Having gone to school in the Maritimes, I can confidently say that even a rollicking sea shanty singalong can lead to romance.)

But with lockdown measures in place in Ontario and Quebec, how students should navigate dating and hooking up going forward isn’t so clear, especially when we’ve already seen institutions like report COVID-19 outbreaks less than a month into the 2020 academic year. ICYMI, in mid-September the Middlesex-London Health Unit released a visualization that showed just how these cases spread. Activities ranged from meeting up on campus, masks on and physical distancing in place, to hanging out in their friends’ houses without masks, to going out to bars, to sharing an e-cigarette. While CBC reported that the outbreak in September mostly involved students who live off campus, the health unit declared another outbreak in October, this time in a student residence. Sex between people who don’t live together wasn’t on this list, but it’s safe to say that students are still getting down and dirty.

Face masks and physical distancing are part of our new reality—but how that factors into our sex lives isn’t so straightforward. While COVID-19 isn’t necessarily spreading faster on university campuses than it is in the general public, there have been instances of community spread that link back to universities. For example, in December 2020, positive cases in Kingston, Ont. were traced back to house parties around the city’s University District. All of this means that students need to reframe the way they think about hooking up in the age of COVID.

Students *are* still hooking up — it just looks a little different

Just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean that all sexually active students—or those who want to explore their sexuality—are becoming celibate.

Dr. Shemeka Thorpe is a sexuality educator and researcher at the University of Kentucky. Most students she’s spoken to are using dating apps this year, are generally sticking to virtual dates and are keeping IRL dates outdoors, and at a distance. This shift in dating might mean taking things slower. For some people, the getting-to-know-you phase might last a whole lot longer, until COVID numbers settle down enough for them to be comfortable getting close with someone new, and for others, this could mean going on more distanced dates before physically hooking up to ensure you’re comfortable with a potential partner’s level of exposure and safety measures.

Frankie*, 26, graduated post-secondary school a few years ago but started dating a University of Toronto student in early September 2020. They met on a dating app and knew that they wanted to have some sort of distanced sexual encounter when they eventually met up. When it came to determining what both partners were comfortable with regarding COVID and sex, the risk assessment wasn’t boring and awkward—they just built it into their flirting. Their date, Jamie*, had recently gotten a COVID-19 test, after someone in their program at school had tested positive. Frankie says, “I [didn’t] have symptoms, I was tested a month [before], so I was just laying it out like, ‘I haven’t been tested very recently, but these are my risk levels. This is where I go out, this is where I don’t go out;’ that sort of became pillow talk.”

Which, honestly, isn’t as different of a conversation as many people have—or should be having—pre-sex, even during non-pandemic times. “Before COVID, you would want to know how many partners is someone currently intimate with, what barrier methods are they using, when was the last time they got tested, and what were the results of that test. And the conversation’s the same now,” says Deirdre McLaughlin, a registered counsellor and sexual health educator in Nelson, B.C. McLaughlin would ordinarily start the school year giving talks at universities around sex positivity and consent. This year, conversations around consent look the same as they always do, just with an added layer of COVID-19 info, they told FLARE. They said they notice that when people are newer to sex, the conversations around safe sex are sometimes the hardest ones to broach. Typically, they do a lot of coaching around how to make those conversations more positive, and all the more so during the pandemic.

Biologist and science communicator Samantha Yammine says that COVID risk mitigation messaging has a lot to learn from sex-positive sex ed. “It teaches us about communication… [and] about not shaming and stigmatizing. We know that from years of HIV research, that when you shame and stigmatize people with an HIV positive status, it doesn’t help the pandemic,” she says. “Instead, when you empower people with the tools to take care of themselves and other people, and people feel comfortable having open conversations, the negative impact of HIV can be mitigated.”

And as for the public health recommendation to try more *literal* barrier methods, like glory holes—that option wasn’t so appealing to Frankie and their partner. “I did a bit of research into that before going on my quest for boinking,” they said. “This is not quite practical to how a lot of people need intimacy and need physicality. It won’t satisfy those things. I would rather incorporate someone into my bubble.” Which is what Frankie and Jamie ended up doing for a while—agreeing to only sleep with each other; eventually, that relationship ran its course.

Another factor to note: With many universities implementing no guest policies—meaning people who don’t live in the building aren’t allowed inside—according to Frankie, if you’re hooking up with someone in a dorm, “there will likely be sneaking in.” The Chestnut residence at the University of Toronto implemented their no-guest policy back in March of 2020. While they haven’t listed explicit consequences, their residence policy states that continued disregard of COVID-19 guidelines in shared spaces might result in “sanctions.” McMaster’s residence agreement contract doesn’t allow for guests during COVID-19 either, and references possible disciplinary action ranging from notice to eviction.

That doesn’t mean everyone feels safe getting close in person—or close at all

But while people like Frankie and Jamie were looking for ways to experience physical intimacy, that doesn’t mean that *every* sexually active student is thirsting for physical touch amidst a pandemic. In fact, sexuality and sex science educator Eva Bloom—who wrote> A Compassionate Guide to Sexuality & COVID-19, an e-book on sexuality during COVID—found the opposite to be true; a lot of people she works with are reporting experiencing changes in their sexual habits during the pandemic, like having less sex with their partner.

“We’re basically living in a constant, low-level state of stress all the time,” Bloom says. “And a lot of our support system, like being connected with friends and family, has been taken away or restricted.” She points to a University of British Columbia study showing that stress is an incredibly common contributor to low sexual desire. It can be hard to get in a sexy headspace these days. Throw a bunch of term papers and online group projects on top of that, and you’ve got a recipe for a very unsexy semester.

“It’s the emotional capacity for grief and trauma, because we’re also in a racial justice uprising,” says sexual health and consent educator Samantha Bitty of the past year, and the renewed energy around the Black Lives Matter movement. “Folks recognize what their capacity is to be emotionally, physically, spiritually available to another person. I think that people opt out [of sexual encounters] because it’s overwhelming.”

Students, and young adults in general, are also living with their parents in much higher numbers during the pandemic. According to a study from the Pew Research Center, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States are living with their parents, a level not seen since the Great Depression. Beyond any potential awkwardness of bringing home a hookup while Mom and Dad are watching The Crown, there’s also the issue of potential health issues. While the thought of getting COVID-19 can be scary for anyone, it’s *especially* scary if a parent has a pre-existing health condition.

Confusing public health messaging around sex and COVID didn’t exactly help

And it’s no surprise that young people would want to opt out of sexual encounters all together, because vague and unrepresentative public health messaging around intimacy and COVID isn’t only confusing, but it’s also partly to blame for uncertainty around best practices when it comes to hooking up. The overriding misstep when it comes to public health messaging, Bitty says, is that it really doesn’t reflect people’s lived experiences.

“It was abstinence-only type education, and there was a glaring absence of sexual health or relational information,” Bitty says. And when they did start talking about it, the messaging only really reflected a heteronormative, monogamous narrative.

“A lot of public health messaging has kind of operated under the assumption that people live in a singular kind of family,” Yammine says. This largely ignores single people living with roommates, in dorm settings, or couples living separately. If people don’t see their own circumstances reflected, Bitty says, it’s that much harder to make individual decisions that benefit a collective well-being. Or to take said well-being seriously.

Pointing to the messaging about masked sex and glory holes as an example, Bitty notes that this messaging was a 180-degree pivot in public health communication, which had been fairly conservative and more focused on sex that happened between people who already lived together. Because of this, “most people just thought it was funny and dismissed [the messaging], or they can’t imagine having sex in a way that’s rooted in a risk-aversion in that specific way,” she says. “We can’t even get people to wear condoms to have oral sex. Do you think they’re going to wear a mask?”

Not to mention the fact that many people in their late teens and twenties just find the guidelines straight-up confusing. Yammine conducted an informal survey through her Instagram about the challenges young people are facing in the pandemic—the key theme in their responses? Despite trying their best to reduce risk, they didn’t feel they were getting relevant advice and had no guidelines to work from. Some schools, like McGill, Queens and Ryerson, are integrating COVID-19 advice into their sexual health materials, and McMaster has put out a comprehensive COVID-19 Dating and Hookup Safety Guide, but many others have not.

The McMaster resource recognizes that some students will meet up for sex, even if it breaks stay-at-home orders. In the disclaimer, they write that they’re not *encouraging* in-person partnered sex. Rather, their aim is to provide tips to stay as safe as possible during partnered sex. Their harm reduction approach gives students practical, actionable tools to make informed decisions about their sex lives during a difficult and confusing time.

They organize tips in order from lowest to highest risk, starting with masturbation and fantasy and leading up to in-person partnered sex. They suggest lighting candles and reading erotica as ways to make masturbation more satisfying than just a quick way to get off, and offer a list of questions to discuss before going into a partner’s house.

“At this point, people still saying ‘just stay home’ is tired. You can’t keep saying that same message because we’re [almost a year] in,” Yammine says. “Abstinence-only has never worked well—not when it comes to sex education, and not when it comes to a pandemic. We need to talk about harm reduction and empower people with tools to make lower-risk decisions in all aspects of their life, including their personal life.”

There are some ways to get down and dirty — safely

Despite somewhat shoddy public messaging, there are ways to stay connected and forge intimacy during this time. While keeping guidelines top of mind, of course. “First and foremost, the public health guidelines take precedence,” Yammine emphasizes. This might mean trying your hand at (safe) sexting—either with a human partner or chat bot, and listening to audio erotica.

“Right now, we’re currently in lockdown [in Toronto] and being asked not to see anyone. And so I would say, maybe now is the time to do virtual dating and get to know people. And then when lockdown ends maybe then you can choose who’s worth seeing in person,” Yammine says. When it comes to dating, almost all of our experts suggested asking about the COVID precautions the other person is taking as a way to see if your values align with your potential partner. If wearing a mask is important to you, but they’re maybe a bit of an anti-masker, that’s probably a good sign that you’re not compatible in other ways, too.

Some universities have also developed online tools for less experienced students to work on their relationship skills. Farrah Khan is the manager of Consent Comes First, which offers support for students who have experienced sexual assault, at Ryerson University. A lot of research, she says, suggests that one way to address sexual violence is to provide people with relationship skills and skills around sexual health and boundary creation. Khan teamed up with her counterparts at Wilfred Laurier University and Carleton University (Sexual Violence Response Coordinator Sarah Scanlon and Bailey Reid, a Senior Advisor in Gender and Sexual Violence Prevention and Support, respectively), to create an online community called the Curiosity Lab, an online relationship lab that meets once a month to talk about things like flirting, online dating and harassment. “Sometimes it feels safer for folks to participate this way,” she says. If participants are living with their family and don’t have a lot of privacy, they can participate interactively through shared Google Docs.

Of course, with the vaccine rollout in Canada underway, it may be tempting to jump into a life of all make-out sessions, all the time. But Yammine says it won’t be quite that easy. “I think what people aren’t expecting is [that] the vaccine will come and then it’s over, snap your fingers. But in fact, it’s probably going to take several months,” she says. Depending on where you are, the first vaccine phase will likely consist of priority groups—populations that are more at-risk and front-line workers. “We’re going to still have to use other public health, non-pharmaceutical interventions like distancing, masks [and] ventilation, to continue to keep the spread low.” The hope is, once the priority groups receive their immunization, we’ll start to see things like hospital deaths declining. Once the situation becomes less dire, we may be able to slowly open up in stages. While it’s still hard to say exactly when more of the general public will be vaccinated, two web developers made a calculator that can help people estimate when they might expect to get the vaccine. Factors like age, whether you’re an essential worker, and whether you live in a congregate setting are all considered—though dorms aren’t specified in particular.

“Just try to have a little fun while dating and make the most out of this year that you can, because it is different and it’s new and, truthfully, we’re all learning. Although having some of these conversations may be awkward, they’re also awkward for everyone else,” Thorpe says. She explains that a healthy sex life is still within reach, even for those of us making our way through a lockdown winter without a regular partner. “To me, a healthy sex life is one that’s pleasurable, it’s one that keeps you safe…. But it’s one, too, that’s also intimate.”

The post Here’s How Students Are Hooking Up During the Pandemic appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Lily Allen and Womanizer

British singer Lily Allen has been a vocal supporter of the Womanizer long before she became an ambassador for the brand in late 2020. “If I had to pick one vibrator above all others, it would be the Womanizer,” Allen wrote in her 2018 autobiography My Thoughts Exactly. “It can make you come in twenty seconds, or if you keep it going up there, it will reward you with ten orgasms in a row.” Now, Allen has her own hot-pink limited-edition version of the  clitoral stimulator out now.

Cara Delevingne and Lora DiCarlo

Model and actor Cara Delevingne is co-founder and creative advisor for sex tech startup Lora DiCarlo. Delevingne told Fast Company that working in the space was something she had “been thinking about for a very long time” and wanted to find the right brand to partner with. “I grew up pretty repressed and English in terms of sexuality,” she added. “That relationship that you have with yourself is the most important one in the world. And this is not just to do with pleasuring yourself, but it’s about exploration and loving yourself.”

Dakota Johnson and Maude

Admittedly, partnering with a sexual wellness company is not off brand at all for this Fifty Shades movie star. The 31-year-old actress is an investor in Maude, which bills itself as a modern sexual wellness company. Its non-intimidating, architectural vibrators are a favourite of Johnsons. “I love a good vibe, for obvious reasons,” she told Vogue. “But the pH-balanced Wash is wonderful. I am really soothed by the idea that a product I use on my body is helping my body be the best version of itself.” Canadians can shop Maude from Indigo.

The post The Hottest New Celeb Partnership Trend Is Sex Toys appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

So you want to buy yourself a vibrator. First of all: Congrats! Your reasons for seeking out a vibrator may differ: Perhaps you have trouble reaching orgasm through penetration. Maybe you’re looking to try something new with your partner. Or maybe it’s simply because lockdown life (and/or Michael B. Jordan’s OnlyFans announcement) is making you horny as eff. (The sexual frustration is real, folks!)

What you do know, however, is that you have no clue where to start. And we don’t blame you—it’s pretty much impossible to not feel overwhelmed by the vast array of vibrators that are on the market.

Before even considering adding anything to your cart, it’s important to remember that no two orgasms are the same—there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to reaching climax. In fact, a 2018 study found that only one third of women were able to orgasm through penile penetration, which means the majority of women can’t. (It’s important to note that this stat doesn’t include trans women). “Some people need glasses to see, some people need a calculator to do math and some people need a vibrator in order to orgasm,” says Carlyle Jansen, a sex therapist and owner of Good For Her in Toronto. Vibrators, she says, add more stimulation than a penis, finger or tongue can, due to their power and speed. They’re also excellent for those solo sessions when you’re just too lazy to use your fingers.

For first-time buyers: Figure out what feels best to you and where that is; the arousal areas on your body are limitless, says Katrina Marie, sex educator at Toronto lifestyle shop The Lake. “You can have orgasms in so many weird and wonderful ways.” Do some research and feel yourself out, and if nothing’s happening, don’t be discouraged. There are different ways to test what works for you. Evaluate your environment: Do you feel safe? Relaxed? Warm? Then, try pulling out a mirror, Marie suggests: “If you’ve never looked at yourself how are you going to expect to know what works for you?”

If you already kinda know what floats your boat, but are unsure of what to get, we’ve got you covered. Keep in mind that there are battery-operated and rechargeable vibrators. If you can afford it, opt for the latter as it’ll save you money in the long-run. In terms of material, silicone is best as it’s non-porous, body-safe and easy to clean. And finally, DON’T! FORGET! LUBE! The last thing you want is to have a painful experience. Note: Some silicone toys don’t pair well with silicone lube—they can end up damaging the material, so look for a water-based or hybrid lubricant to use with your devices. 

The Best External Vibrators

External vibrators are a crowd pleaser because they’re versatile and can generally be used “by anyone with any genital configuration,” says Jack Lamon, worker/owner at Toronto co-op Come As You Are. Here are some of the best picks depending on the area you’re looking to stimulate:

For clitoral stimulation

Most people think of the clitoris as that cute little nub on the frontside of the vulva. Newsflash: There’s actually *way* more to it than that. The nub, technically known as the glans, is the part that’s visible. Beneath the surface, however, is an entire complex of different parts, like the body, root and vestibular bulbs. “All parts of the clitoris are involved in sexual sensation and all parts are erectile, meaning they can engorge with blood, becoming firmer,” writes Dr. Jen Gunter in her 2018 book, The Vagina Bible. 

Some of the most popular clitoral vibrators on the market right now (e.g. Womanizer, Satisfyer, Lelo Sona) don’t vibrate, nor do they actually touch the glans. Instead, they use air pressure technology, which delivers a suction-y feeling, and gets deep into all of the erectile tissue of the clitoral complex. “A lot of people describe it like having an orgasm for the first time,” Jansen says.

For beginners getting acquainted with their clits, Marie suggests a device that looks approachable (because, let’s face it, some sex toys just look downright terrifying) and “encourages exploration.” Soft textures, like the mochi-esque silicone used in Iroha’s line of vibrators, might be more comfortable for those with sensitive clits or those who have just undergone transition-related medical care. 

And of course, we can’t talk about the clit without shouting out wand vibrators. These have larger surface areas that rumble, which, according to Jansen, feels great near the vagina (to target the erectile tissue of the internal clit complex) or on any other external genitalia. Yes, wands may be a little too intense for some (Lamon says half of his clients love it, while the other half find it way too strong), but most of them can run at various speeds and patterns, unlike the original Magic Wand that only had two settings. “You can run them very, very low and get a subtle vibration, or you can run them at a much higher speed to get more,” Lamon says. 

The Best Vibrators: Clitoral Stimulation

1/3 Lelo

Sila, $269, lelo.com

2/3 iroha

Kushi, $144, itsthelake.com

 

3/3 Le Wand

Petite Rechargeable Massager, $165, goodforher.com

For nipple stimulation

Yes, nipple orgasms are a thing, which makes sense since they are packed with nerves. A 2011 study also found that nipple/breast stimulation activated the genital sensory cortex in the brain; stimulation of the clitoris, vagina and cervix, likewise, activate different parts of this region. So yes, you can definitely use a vibrator on and around your nipples. Finger vibrators are ideal for this, and can be used anywhere externally on the body; look for one with a brace that wraps around the finger so you’re not preoccupied with trying to keep a grip on it. A small bullet vibrator with a pointed tip can also work well for targeting certain spots with precision. 

The Best Vibrators: Nipple Stimulation

1/2 Lovehoney

Ignite 20 Function Finger Vibrator, $49.95, lovehoney.ca

2/2 Pink Cherry

Pink Cherry, All Mighty Bullet Vibe, $39.95, pinkcherry.ca

For penis stimulation

As Lamon says, external vibrators work well on any genital configuration, which is why he suggests Je Joue’s Mimi. “It’s a really cute pebble-shaped vibrator that you can use on the underside of the penis, the clitoris, the nipples, really any erogenous zone,” he says. For folks who are fairly comfortable with having a penis, both Lamon and Jansen suggest the Hot Octopuss Pulse range. It can be used whether you’re hard or not (because erections aren’t the same with hormone therapy) and works by stimulating the underside of the genitals via a little vibrator.

The Best Vibrators: Penis Stimulation

1/2 Hot Octopuss

Pulse Solo Essential, $129, goodforher.com

2/2 Je Joue

Mimi Vibrator, $108, comeasyouare.com

The Best Internal Vibrators

Internal vibrators are designed to be inserted into the body and also function great as a toy for the external genitals—G spot vibrators can be used on the clitoris or the underside of the penis, for example. Again, any internal vibrator will do its job no matter your genital configuration. Here are some suggestions.

For G-spot stimulation

There has been much debate about the ever elusive G-spot and whether or not it actually exists. During a 2017 study, researchers were unable to find the presence of the G-spot in 13 female cadavers—rather they found the urethra and vaginal wall lining in the location where the G-spot is believed to be. In her book, Gunter explains that stimulating the lower part of the vagina, close to the urethra, will feel good due to its proximity to the clitoris. So basically, exploring around that area will probably feel quite nice. 

For this, Marie recommends being patient: “Most people use an over-enthusiastic, bordering on aggressive approach to finding the G-spot. They tend to overshoot and miss the mark.”

This means not going too far in. “Try exploring the very entrance inside your vagina, and get to know what that feels like first,” she suggests. And if you’ve found an area that feels good, try adding in a device with a slight curve to stimulate that G-spot region. 

The Best Vibrators: G-Spot Stimulation

1/3 Mood Frisky

G-Spot Orchid Vibrator, $35, goodforher.com

2/3 iroha

RIN+, $100, itsthelake.com

3/3 Je Joue

Uma, $111, comeasyouare.com

For cervical stimulation

If you just winced in pain reading this heading, hear us out: People with cervixes have reported climaxing by stimulating this notoriously sensitive area, which is located at the end of the vagina. The most important thing, however, is to explore this area GENTLY. “A lot of people hate their cervix being stimulated, but that’s often because they’re using an intense hitting motion,” Jansen explains. What you should be doing, she says, is pulling the toy out about half an inch, and inserting it gently back in. Since the cervix is located behind the vagina (it technically is the entrance to the uterus), a longer, as opposed to wider, device will be needed to actually get that far in. “You don’t need [anything] big to feel that pressure,” Jansen says.

The Best Vibrators: Cervical Stimulation

1/2 iroha

Mikazuki, $159, itsthelake.com

2/2 Blush

Lush Maya vibrator, $59, goodforher.com

For anal stimulation

Yes, you can absolutely use a vibrator in and around your butt! A great thing about anal play, Lamon says, is that “a lot of different folks can engage in it and it isn’t inherently gendered.” Some crucial reminders before you go exploring down there: 1) You absolutely SHOULD NOT put something up your butt that doesn’t have a flared base—if you do, it can get lost and you’ll probably have to go to the hospital. 2) The anus does not get wet, so make sure you use an ample amount of lube before going to town. 3) Make sure you’re ready and comfortable to try it out. As Marie says, trying anything behind-related is like going from 0 to 100 in three seconds. “The butthole needs to be seduced for months, maybe years.”

If you’re new to exploring your butt, Marie suggests feeling around the external area with any vibrator you may already have in your arsenal that you would use on your clit—slide a condom over it first though or clean it if you’re toggling between front and back. “There’s so much pleasure around your [anus],” she says, which makes vibrators the perfect choice for beginners. 

For those looking for internal stimulation, consider a butt plug. “Most of the sensation inside the anus is around the first three quarters of an inch in—that’s around the anal sphincter,” says Jansen. She recommends the B-Vibe Rimming plug, which has metal beads around the neck of the toy that roll around, thus stimulating the anal sphincter. “It’s a very intense feeling.” Butt plugs, when used in an in-and-out motion, can also stimulate the prostate, which is basically a win-win. 

People with prostates will also benefit from anal play—this walnut-sized gland is located just above the rectum and is said to feel ahhh-mazing when stimulated. This is where a prostate vibe can come into play. Lamon suggests the Vibratex Black Pearl, which has a curve to it and will definitely hit the super sensitive area, and can also be used to stimulate the G-spot.

The Best Vibrators: Anal Stimulation

1/3 Unbound

Shimmy Vibrating Plug, $75.59, unboundbabes.com

2/3 B-Vibe

Rimming 2 Vibrating Plug, $150, goodforher.com

3/3 Vibratex

Black Pearl, $100, comeasyouare.com

The post How to Find a Vibrator That *Actually* Works For You appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

It’s that time of year again. There’s a chill in the air, peppermint mochas are back on the menu and the countdown to New Year’s Eve is on. That can mean only one thing: it’s beginning to look a lot like…cuffing season. 

Beginning in the fall and lasting until the start of spring, cuffing season comprises the coldest and darkest months of the year, when the lure of partnering up is too strong for many singles to resist. And when you combine that desire with the increased boredom and loneliness that many of us are feeling after months of COVID-induced isolation? That’s a recipe for an especially potent urge to snuggle up with someone—anyone!—in order to make it through the second wave of the pandemic. While it’s understandable that you’d want to find someone to get cozy with for the winter (that cheesy movie marathon is definitely better when you have someone to watch it with), you may want to reconsider. If you’re choosing a partner because of heightened feelings of isolation or pandemic ennui, or you’re just plain scared of being alone, then you’re likely emotionally dating. And that can be trouble.  

It’s natural to want to take part in “corona cuffing”

In times of crisis, people tend to act with heightened urgency. That can mean stockpiling toilet paper and hoarding hand sanitizer, but it also applies to dating. As registered counsellor and relationship coach Edel Walsh explains, it’s hard to take a truly balanced approach to dating in a pandemic, especially when it can feel like there’s *still* pressure to have a date for New Year’s Eve (even if said New Year’s Eve party is virtual this year). 

“Balanced dating means we’re using data from cognition, from our thinking, we’re using data from our feelings, our emotions, and also using data from our bodies, which is our sensations,” Walsh says. Typically, all of that cognitive, emotional and sensory data would help us make sound decisions about who to date and for how long. Those gut feelings you get that someone is sketchy? Walsh says with experience in the dating world, and a bit of maturity, those instinctual responses are part of balanced dating. They help us avoid bad situations. But few of us are that in tune with our senses most of the time, let alone in a year like 2020 that’s thrown our emotions—and plans—for a serious loop. Plus, many of us are starved for touch right now, which Walsh says can heighten all of our emotions. This is something Walsh has seen with her own clients this year.  “This can be a very scary time, it can feel very daunting,” Walsh says of the pandemic. “The thought of spending all those nights alone with Netflix is very painful. And so it makes sense that people are seeking out comfort, and seeking out someone to get through the long winter with.”

Seeking out that comfort can turn on our survival instincts, Walsh explains, and that’s when we start emotional dating. A lack of touch and connection can make folks desperate to fill that void, which can lead to emotional dating. That often means swiping right even if it’s the wrong person for you. 

Emotional dating might not seem like a huge deal (all dating involves emotions, right?) but jumping in recklessly can lead to heartbreak—for both you and the other person. When dating emotionally, and ignoring all the other data involved in a more balanced approach to relationships, you might overlook traits in your partner that would otherwise be turn-offs, or you might end up falling hard when your date wants to keep things casual. 

There are ways to tell if you’re emotionally dating 

So how do you know if you’re succumbing to the pressure of COVID cuffing season? Walsh says that if you have found a new love interest recently, first think about how strong the impulse to spend time with them is. Thoughts like “I have to see this person despite restrictions, we have to meet in person,” or “we have to get involved sexually despite the fact that nobody’s had a COVID test,” can be signs of *potentially* questionable motives, Walsh says, because that aforementioned sense of urgency is overriding the voice of reason in one’s mind. It’s one thing to be into someone new and crushing hard. But if you’re willing to ignore safety protocols or rush past your usual dating timeline just to be together physically, those are red flags.

According to experts, it’s also important to examine your motivations before you even get started with a new partner. Kavita Ajwani is a dating expert and the owner of Dashing Date, a speed dating service; she urges her clients to take a beat before they jump into something new. “How are you feeling, generally speaking? Did you just lose your job? Are you financially stressed? Are things good on the home front? Are you in a good place?” Ajwani says asking yourself these questions up front can help reveal your motives for pairing up. If you recently lost your job, or are going through a stressful time with family, Ajwani says that is a sign you might be using dating as a distraction. And since everyone is experiencing more stress than usual during the pandemic, it’s OK to grade your own answers on a curve—just be honest with yourself. 

Plus, she adds, it can be liberating to avoid the pull of commitment and just enjoy the process of dating in general. “I’m a huge advocate for enjoying your single life—enjoying dating, enjoying the process of getting to know somebody, enjoying the butterflies, and being able to sit back, relax and go along for that journey.” 

But if you are considering becoming exclusive with someone right now, Logan Ury, director of relationship science at Hinge, suggests taking a moment to think about what’s driving you. “Reflect on your dating journey with that person and think to yourself ‘what are my real motivations? Do I want to be with this person? Or do I just not want to be alone? Am I running to this person? Or am I running away from being single?’” If you’re not sure where you stand, Ury suggests going on (or logging on for) that second date, to help clear things up. “This has been an especially anxiety-provoking year for people. When you’re stressed and anxious on a date, you may not come across the way you want to.” And if you realize you’re not in this for the right reasons? That’s a sign that you can spend this winter snuggled up solo, working on yourself. 

Ajwani seconds that advice, and notes that sometimes it can help to share your feelings through meditation, journaling or talking to a friend. Those can be good ways to get in touch with what’s happening inside your head, both when it comes to determining your motivations in an existing relationship, or figuring out whether or not you’re actually in a place to start dating healthily in a pandemic. 

And, as important as it is to assess your own motivations, it’s similarly important to do the same with your partner’s. Ury says the rush of cuffing season often pushes people to speed through a few relationship milestones. “If this person is introducing you to their friends, or their parents too quickly for your comfort or rushing you into being exclusive, just be honest with yourself and say ‘is this moving at a natural pace, a pace that feels right for me? Or does it feel like this person just wants to lock the relationship down for the cold winter months?’”

But dating during COVID cuffing season also has *some* upsides, Ury says. Among Hinge users, dating this year is up 17% from last year, while ghosting is down 27%. That could mean daters are using the pandemic to break their bad habits, and have spent some time evaluating what they really want. About half of Hinge users have also tried video dating, and Ury says the majority plan to stick with it as a way to start casually dating after the pandemic is over. “We see this as a change in dating culture. It’s this low-pressure vibe check, where you get to see if you have a connection with someone.” 

And if you’re just looking for a fling, go for it (safely, of course) 

But what if, after all the meditation and reflection, you decide you really do just want a seasonal fling? Our experts say go for it—as long as you’re honest about what you want with your partner from the outset. Which means: Don’t assume everyone is on the same page about keeping it casual without having a discussion first. “’Here’s where my head is at right now, and I’m not really looking for something long term,’” is a conversation Ajwani recommends you have. And, of course, as the COVID-19 pandemic is still ongoing, it’s imperative that—if you are just hooking up, be it emotionally, physically, or both—that all parties do so safely. 

Once you figure out what you really want, and how to communicate those needs, you’re ready for COVID cuffing season. 

The post How To Survive COVID Cuffing Season With Your Feelings Intact appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

“I’ll meet you at the bridge.” It was the beginning of April, the early days of the pandemic lockdown, and I’d bundled up in warm clothes, ready to head out into the cool spring air for a long walk. I clasped my FitBit around my wrist, stepped outside and took a deep breath, trying to calm the nagging sense of dread I felt.

I’d been holed up inside my apartment for what felt like forever, furiously writing and editing hard news stories for the investigative journalism startup I worked at. That is, until I was let go the week before. Now, I had nothing to do except feel lonely and stir crazy.

A week before losing my job, I spent an evening in the emergency room at Toronto’s Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. Fourteen-plus solitary hours a day hunched over a laptop had pushed me to the brink of psychological and emotional collapse, and I was struggling with suicidal ideation. A psychologist was eventually able to calm me down and I was allowed to go home that night. I’d simply needed someone who would listen without judgement.

Clearly I was desperate for human connection—so when my friend Chiderah suggested we meet up for a stroll through the gloomy, deserted streets of Toronto a couple weeks later, I jumped at the opportunity. Anything, anything was better than another day of hiding out in the unending sameness of my dimly lit bedroom, and I was still struggling with my mental state.

Chiderah and I had come to our friendship in an unusual way: I met her on Hinge in February 2019, just over a year before our fateful walk. At the time, she was exploring her sexuality but ultimately realized she’s straight. We’d had great chemistry and compatibility, so we decided to retain a friendship, catching up every couple months or so.

It took me half an hour to arrive at our meeting spot. When I got there, we exchanged an awkward—albeit warm—hug. (Back then, it was still unclear if we should at all, given we’d come from separate households.) We both really needed a hug. We spent four hours roaming through the city, taking in how the pandemic had changed everything around us and interrupted the trajectory of our lives.

Only six months earlier, Chiderah and I had spent an evening at an Italian restaurant in Toronto, laughing over our dire financial circumstances and sharing our hopes for the future—primarily, we realized we both had a dream of moving to Europe and starting new lives. But we never never anticipated it could happen so soon.

But it did—largely thanks to our star-crossed friendship. “Kismet,” says Chiderah. “We found our road to redemption through meeting one another.” Chiderah has Bipolar Disorder and I have Borderline Personality Disorder, two different types of conditions with overlapping symptoms, including intense emotional responses, depression and impulsive behaviour. It was hard for either of us to imagine we’d outlive our own self-destruction. But on our walks, we challenged our mutually held false beliefs that our disorders made us destined to suffer and things would never get better. We developed our own emotional lexicon that allows us to empathize with each other on a deeper level. It’s wordless, without need for explanation, something we both yearn for in a world that makes us feel impossible to love or understand.

Our first walk was so enlivening, we decided to make it a ritual. For weeks, we embarked on hours-long journeys, headed nowhere in particular, with only moving our bodies and being in great company as motivators. As we talked through our trials and tribulations with mental health, relationships and substance abuse, we provided one another with mutual support and watched as our friendship rapidly blossomed. Sobriety was a major thing we had in common, as we’d both recently quit drinking. Whenever I’d second-guess myself, Chiderah reminded me that I didn’t need alcohol to live a full and beautiful life. Sometimes, all you need is for someone to say, “You can do this. It’ll be OK” to feel reassured and steadfast in your commitments.

During lockdown, I found my platonic soulmate—the person who sees me completely and whose love and support is unwavering and unconditional. We shifted from acquaintances to best friends in a matter of days. Our bond developed faster than most as, with the pandemic having wiped our calendars clean, we were able to spend concentrated, meaningful time together. I’ve never met someone whose impact has transformed my life so drastically in so little time.

In conversation, we revisited our shared desire to live abroad. Like Chiderah, I’d always envisioned Toronto as a stepping stone, not a final destination. During a time when the world stood still, we started to dream again. “I have hope,” I wrote to her one day. “I want to swim in the ocean and breathe in the fresh air.”

We found ourselves in a positive feedback loop; our excitement and joy was contagious. My clenched fists began to soften and a sense of lightness spread through my limbs. We started planning how we’d make it across the Atlantic. Even as borders remained closed, airlines and Airbnb were still keen to make money, allowing bookings. In June, we booked one-way flights to Portugal, knowing fate was on our side. A month later, we were on another continent, with even my dog along for the ride.

It’s hard to anticipate how travelling with another person will impact your relationship, let alone living with them. But spending every day together only strengthened our bond. We stayed in Lisbon for a month to enjoy a few weeks of sunbathing and relaxation before heading to Germany. It’s no easy feat to move to a new country, especially during a pandemic when bureaucracy is slower than usual. But we kept one another calm as we navigated the gruelling process of entry conditions, visa requirements, government appointments and apartment viewings. And everything has been worth the risk—we are both the happiest we have ever been.

If I hadn’t had the guts to venture outside my home on that dreary, overcast day, I might’ve never realized my dream of moving to Europe. In fact, I might’ve headed back to the west coast to stay with my parents, no longer able to pay the rent premium to live in Canada’s most expensive city.

Today, Chiderah and I call each other “my better half” and warmly joke about being married with a kid. Chiderah has fallen in love with my dog and we share parenting responsibilities. We are profoundly similar and different—each other’s yin and yang. After living together for months, I’ve become less passive and more bold, while she’s become more patient and less impulsive. With her in my life, I’ve grown more in the past six months than the last six years.

In early September, Chiderah and I found a tattoo parlour with available walk-in appointments in Berlin. We nervously chose a font for our matching script tattoos and held one another’s hand as the artist buzzed away, permanently marking our skin. “Go where the love is,” reads the text, a quote from an Instagram video of American actress Amanda Seales. It reminds us that if somewhere no longer uplifts you, you can always find a place—or a person—that does.

The post The Pandemic Helped Me Find My Platonic Soul Mate appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Two months into our co-quarantine, my husband did something unusual: He went somewhere without me. By the time he left our Toronto apartment in mid-May to retrieve some things from work, we’d been self-isolating together for 68 days—that’s 1,632 consecutive hours. After 10 years together, including five years of marriage, the honeymoon phase is long over; we do not need to be together constantly. So, far from dreading his departure, I was eager to indulge my bad TV habits and watch 90 Day Fiancé without his commentary. Instead, I felt anxious. I was suddenly and unnervingly alone. In the “Before Times” (read: pre-COVID), separate friends and interests meant we had regular solo outings, but that independence had been interrupted and replaced by constant proximity to one another. 

That my husband’s quick trip to the office made me uneasy was alarming and frankly very unlike me. It made me wonder if other couples were feeling the same way and whether pandemic-imposed isolation has forced cohabiting couples into a kind of pressure cooker for unhealthy attachment. 

As provinces progress through the reopening phases and household bubbles expand, couples will find themselves apart more often as they reintegrate into the world as individuals—it’s like the coronavirus version of conscious uncoupling. And it will be an adjustment. During a lockdown, couples don’t have much exposure to other people or the outside world. Routines are disrupted, including work, events and community connections that can provide fulfillment and shape identities. We’re left feeling disoriented and introspective with only our partner to fill the void as substitute co-worker, personal trainer and therapist. These may be symptoms of a pandemic, but they feel eerily close to the isolation tactics used by cults, which begs the questions: Could being cooped up foster that same cultish dependence on a partner? 

“Codependency” has become a pop-culture term, a catch-all for clingy displays of affection or jealous insecurity. And though there is a spectrum for these kinds of behavioural traits, severe codependency assumes an almost pathological devotion, “which usually means insecure or anxious attachment,” says Renata Kulpa, a Toronto-based psychotherapist who specializes in codependency. Kulpa’s codependent clients are mostly women who are married or in a relationship, though not always. Codependency can be associated with any significant person, like a close friend or a therapist, and is marked by an overwhelming need to please that negates one’s own identity, often without realizing it. This compulsion to care for others can also manifest in a need to have control over a loved one’s whereabouts. “They worry endlessly about where their significant others are,” Kulpa says.

But while codependency can include a need for control, Kulpa says the cult analogy doesn’t exactly translate. “I don’t see a direct relation,” she says, explaining that codependent behaviour is usually established long before adulthood. It tends to emerge at an early age and often stems from fears of abandonment, so it’s unlikely that codependency would develop due to heightened proximity during self-isolation. However, for those who already have codependent tendencies, the isolation could exacerbate them and lead to increased anxiety over, say, the whereabouts of family members. (In fact, Kulpa has seen a rise in client intakes, with “two or three [requests] a day from people who are codependent,” since early March—in other words, since lockdown started). On the other hand, lockdown could also lead to positive self-reflection. Many of Kulpa’s new clients tell her that fewer external variables have meant that they’ve had more time to notice their own behaviour, recognize it as problematic and seek help. “Every one of them said, ‘Now that I’m under quarantine, I want to use my time to work on what’s important to me.’” 

And as for my moment of surprising anxiety, brought on by a brief separation? “You just experienced separation anxiety in a normal situation—if we can call [the pandemic] normal.”

But how much time together is “normal” or even healthy? Certainly my husband and I hit our limit around hour 1,500, when we fought about how to cook a frozen pizza. (The instructions were on the box.) Couples have reported spending more than 20 extra hours per week with one another as a result of physical distancing, according to a survey conducted in April by wedding publication The Knot. To use the word of the year, this amount of time seems unprecedented. Dr. Rami Nijjar, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, says there’s no need for couples to impose a limit on the amount of time they spend together “if there’s a healthy degree of interdependence and each has different interests and feels secure.” However, inconsistent dynamics—if one person is avoidant, for instance, leaving the other to compensate by being more affectionate—“limit the amount of time that feels healthy for each person.” A cycle of distant behaviour, anxiety and reassurance can alter brain chemistry. “It can give one intermittent hits of dopamine,” Nijjar explains, which might cause an addiction to a partner and increase stress over time. 

But the opposite is also true. In pairings where both partners are consistently available, emotional and physical intimacy can ease tension and “provide a buffer between our stress and the world—like our situation with the pandemic.” (You know you’ve found someone special when they help regulate your nervous system during a crisis).

With all of that partner-induced dopamine in our brains, surely those in healthy relationships could also face withdrawal when this is all over. “Couples will likely experience a bit of a shock when they come out of this,” Nijjar says. “They’ll have to integrate into other relationships. They’ll have to leave the safety and security of having that one other person in their lives. And, sure, anxiety will increase.” But she expects that any post-pandemic separation anxiety for couples will be temporary. “Will it have a lasting impact? I’m not sure it’s that bad.” 

Since no one knows what the world is going to look like going forward, she advises couples to pay closer attention to their relationship now. The best strategy for a situation we can’t predict is to build up internal reserves by working on our capacity for recovery, both as couples and individuals. Nijjar lists increased communication, mindful listening and boundary-setting as well as discussing the preferred amount of physical intimacy and personal space as ways to achieve this. (We’re about to get a lot more personal space.)

“We can’t predict the future,” she says. “We can only foster resilience now.”

The post Did Co-Quarantining Make Me Codependent on My Partner? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

I was settling into work one day when my best friend, who is single, called me in the throes of an ethical dilemma: Now that Covid-19 restrictions are lifting a bit, she asked me, was there a way to safely have sex with someone over the summer?

This friend is a busy single mom and it had already been awhile since the last time she’d been able to have sex when Covid-19 broke out. How realistic was it to potentially wait another year? And yet—how could she consider hooking up with someone when it might put the people in her life, including her two-year-old and her sixty-something parents, at risk?

I’ve heard the same question in different iterations from just about all of my single friends lately. (Dating during Covid is not exactly easy.) I told them what I thought seemed like a reasonable approach: We’re all human, sex is a need for most of us, and as long as they have some trust in their desired partner, it isn’t a wild thing to be considering at all. Were I single, I confessed, I probably would have already met up with someone.

But then I felt guilty, offering advice when I’m not a medical professional, so I called some people who know better than I do. Chief public health officer of Canada Theresa Tam said during a press conference on July 3 that, as with all things right now, it’s important to be cautious, aware and considerate.

“Like anything to do with social interactions in the Covid era, I would say think through everything to reduce your risk,” she says. The way to approach dating and sex, according to Tam, is slowly and carefully—and definitely to avoid hooking up if you’re sick. Tam stresses that she’s no dating expert, but she says it’s probably a good idea right now to start with dating virtually, where there is no risk of contracting or spreading the virus. Then, if you want to progress to meeting in person, plan to meet somewhere outdoors, where transmission of the virus is lower and distance can be maintained. Build trust from there.

Tam advises keeping your dating pool small right now, as with social circles in general. Covid-19 is known to spread through respiratory droplets and saliva, so hooking up with someone is a risky act. “This is a serious social contract with someone,” she says. “If you kiss someone, they’re now in your bubble. To me, that’s something to be taken seriously.”

And before even dating one person or small numbers of people, Tam stresses it’s crucial to assess your medical status and the status of anyone else you’re already close to. If you or someone else in your life are high risk, the decision becomes weightier.

However, realistically, not every hookup is going to be one that includes deep trust and emotional connection. Sometimes sex is a little more utilitarian, or it might be a service someone is providing to someone else. Dr. Jennifer Russell, chief medical officer of health in New Brunswick, says it’s possible to apply the principles of harm reduction to dating and sex in this time.

“Sex is a very normal part of life. It’s good for mental health, and taking a holistic approach is very important. We understand these are very normal parts of life that humans need to engage in for their wellbeing.” For many people, a prolonged period of abstinence just may not be possible or even healthy. So how do you mitigate risk?

“We have to normalize testing,” Russell says. Similarly to having regular tests for STIs, getting tested for Covid can reassure your partner that you take their health and safety seriously. Russell says even having one symptom, like a cough or fever, is reason enough to get tested.

In cases where sex is an exchange outside of an exclusive relationship, it’s a good idea to consider new ways of doing things, even breaking out some full-on PPE. Monica Forrester does outreach and runs a program for Indigenous workers with Maggie’s, the sex work action project in Toronto. This has been a challenging time for sex workers, she says, but they’ve been innovative as ever through this crisis.

“Many sex workers have found other ways to work such as online shows, camming and selling nudes,” she says. Client work has slowed down for these folks, partly because of increased policing on the street, but with the clients they do see many workers are taking precautions like a no kissing rule, sanitizing and mask-wearing throughout the session.

Russell says precautions like these won’t remove risk entirely, but they can help lower it. So can shortening your encounters, since less exposure means less likelihood of transmission. And Tam cautions people not to get “too enthusiastic” in this time of lifting restrictions and forget about the usual safety measures like condoms.

A recent study found the virus in semen, and while it’s not clear whether semen can actually transmit the virus, using a condom is always best practice. As far as we know right now, some acts may be safer than others. While the virus hasn’t yet been found in vaginal fluid, for example, it’s known to exist in feces. Rimming, then, may not be a super desirable act right now—but if it’s something you really want to do, dams are always an option.

In addition to taking the appropriate precautions, Russell suggests making sure you have a way to contact people you’ve had sex with, even if it was very casual or for work. This helps with contact tracing efforts: If one of you gets sick, you can at least warn each other and, by extension, your families and other loved ones. We’ll be living with Covid for a while, so it’s important that people make good choices with the freedoms they have now.

Ultimately, my single friends are figuring out how to navigate dating and sex in ways that work for them: They’re starting to date (one is even falling in love!) but they’re taking it slowly, getting to know each other outside in the sun, and making sure their partners are trustworthy. Maybe these are the changes the dating scene has needed for a while.

The post Are Hook-Ups OK Now That Covid Restrictions Are Lifting? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

I love romance novels—truly, madly and deeply. It took me a while to feel comfortable saying that out loud and without hesitation. On any given day, I turn to a romance novel to relax, de-stress or alleviate my anxiety. My diet includes generous helpings of authors like Talia Hibbert, Mhairi McFarlane, Helen Hoang and Sally Thorne. The books from the genre are comforting companions—a fictional sigh of relief. These days, when the news cycle is relentless and infuriating, they’re my steady IV drip. It’s not just the escapism they offer, although that’s nice too. Nor is it just about the levity they provide or the steadfast certainty of a Happily Ever After when everything is so uncertain and in flux. Romance novels, at their core, are joyful and celebratory. During a time when moments of glee seem so far and few in between, they’re a precious balm to the soul.

When you choose a book, you become invested in these characters and their lives. For the next few hundred pages, you follow their journey, experience their failures and obstacles, and revel in their success and happiness. But if you seek diversity in your romance, you know that many of these characters have often been historically denied the Hallmark variety of a happy ending in those very pages. With the latest crop of novels about love, that’s slowly changing. And there’s immense joy in seeing characters exist in spaces that you thought were never made for you.

Now more than ever, romance is the genre we deserve and need. And if you’re looking for a summer romance, there are plenty of blissful new books to add to your reading list. 

Party of Two by Jasmine Guillory (June 23)

$22, adifferentbooklist.com

Olivia Munroe doesn’t have time to date. She just moved to Los Angeles and she has things to do, like running her own law firm. One day, she meets a handsome stranger at a hotel bar and the two hit it off right away. He turns out to be U.S. junior senator Max Powell. Can she handle being in a very public relationship?

Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert (June 23)

$19.99, notability.ca

When a video of Danika Brown being rescued by a handsome security guard and former rugby player Zafir Ansari goes viral (#DrRugbae), he asks if she’s willing to fake-date to help raise his charity’s profile. She accepts because she just happens to be looking for a Friend with Benefits. Being in a faux relationship seems simple enough, as long as they can keep their budding feelings for one another off the table.

Sex and Vanity by Kevin Kwan (June 30)

$34.95, mcnallyrobinson.com

While it doesn’t technically fall under the romance genre, the hotly-anticipated follow-up to Kevin Kwan’s blockbuster Crazy Rich Asians trilogy still gets a spot on the list. Loosely based on E.M. Forster’s A Room With A View, the novel follows Lucie Churchill’s relationship with George Zao who she meets during a lavish weekend wedding in Capri and encounters once again a few years later in New York. 

Recipe for Persuasion by Sonali Dev (May 26) 

$19.99, queenbooks.ca

Sonali Dev takes Jane Austen’s Persuasion and tweaks the recipe. Chef Ashna Raje is desperate to save her restaurant so when she’s asked to join the cast of Cooking with the Stars, a hit reality show that pairs chefs with celebrities, she accepts. Until she’s paired with FIFA-winning soccer star Rico Silva, her first love who also broke her heart by ghosting her when she needed him the most. 

Something to Talk About by Meryl Wilsner (May 26)

$22, massybooks.com (Vancouver)

When Emmy Award-winning television writer and show-runner Jo Jones is photographed making her assistant laugh on the red carpet, it makes for perfect tabloid fodder, sparking rumours about the two being an item. With Jo’s film project approaching, as the two spend more time together, they realize that maybe there’s truth to the rumours after all. 

You Had Me at Hola by Alexis Daria (August 4)

$19.99, chapters.indigo.ca

Jasmine and Ashton, each one a soap opera and telenovela star respectively, are cast as the leads in a new film. As they try to make movie magic, the lines blur between their on-screen and real-life chemistry. Which wouldn’t be so bad except for the obstacles constantly thrown their way, thanks to some intense media scrutiny. 

The Marriage Game by Sara Desai (June 9)

$22, kingwestbooks.com

Layla Patel moves back in with her family in San Francisco after disappointing setbacks. Her well-intentioned dad offers her the office space above his restaurant to help her get started on her business and sets her up with a dating profile. Sam Mehta, the CEO of a corporate downsizing company, moves into the same office space, which he’s forced to share with the owner’s daughter who threatens to ruin his peace and quiet with her parade of suitors.

One to Watch by Kate Stayman-London (July 7)

$20, chapters.indigo.ca

After body-positive activist and plus-size blogger Bea Schumacher goes viral for criticizing a reality dating show for its lack of body and racial diversity, she’s suddenly cast as the next leading lady. She’s ready to criticize the show, but things get a bit more complicated once she’s in front of the camera. 

The Heir Affair by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan (June 30)

$15 ($24.99), chapters.indigo.ca

In the follow-up to The Royal We about an American named Rebecca Porter and Prince Nicholas, the heir to the throne, the couple goes into self-imposed exile following their disastrous wedding day. Soon, they’re forced to return to London and face the fallout from before their big day. 

Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall (July 7)

$21.99, mcnallyrobinson.com

Luc O’Donnell is the fame-averse son of a rock star. When his dad decides to make a comeback after two decades, Luc needs to clean up his image now that he’ll be back in the public eye. Enter Oliver Blackwood, a perfectly normal albeit uptight barrister. The two agree to date each other as a publicity stunt, which ends up being much harder than they thought. 

The post Immerse Yourself in the Soothing Joy of Romance Novels appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Three months ago, the phrase “Zoom wedding” hadn’t even entered our collective vocabulary. Cut to *these uncertain times* and couples across the globe are frantically googling “how to host a virtual ceremony” with one hand as they dial up florists and cake shops with the other. And as for the almost-newlyweds desperately refreshing their news app, hoping for a miracle end to all this? It’s time to accept that some form of online celebration is pretty much the only way anyone is safely getting married in 2020. (And potentially beyond, but let’s not kill the vibe too much. Weddings are fun, remember!)

But how does one *actually* get married on the internet? Because there’s more to it than just making sure your WiFi is strong, we tapped a couple that’s been there, tied the knot and got the Youtube LiveStream to prove it. Straight from their quarantine honeymoon destination (AKA their home in Lethbridge, Alta.), here are some best practices and top tips from Hudson and Mason Sheen, two twenty-somethings who threw together a virtual wedding in literal weeks. “We just felt like we were supposed to go ahead and get married,” says Hudson. “And it ended up being the perfect day for us.”

Make sure it’s for you

This seems an obvious one but it’s vital: Do you really *want* to get married on Zoom? Or is it worth waiting it out? As candidates go, Mason and Hudson were ideal, in that they’d always planned a short engagement, and, so crucially, hadn’t spent two years finessing every detail and getting invested in or attached to “the dream” of their wedding day. It’s not that they didn’t have plans—a ceremony held at their faith’s temple and a reception for all their friends after were booked—but their priorities changed. “There are so many things that feel so important when you’re planning a wedding,” says Hudson, “but we realised that all of it is just some fluff, some fun stuff. All we really wanted was to get married, and start our lives together.” But if you’re someone who *does* want the fluff and fun stuff, and you know you’ll regret not having the peony wall, your 27 bridesmaids and every other flourish you’d planned? Own your truth, go back to the Pinterest board and throw yourself into planning something for…2024?

Let this wedding day be its own thing

If you’re planning a Zoom wedding, you have to let go of the wedding day you’d planned pre-COVID. In Hudson and Mason’s case they literally changed the actual date, moving up from May 29 to April 25 because they were worried the quarantine rules would get even stricter, the license office might close and, well, why wait if you’re not tied into things like venue bookings, celebrant availability and your guests’ schedules? “We decided we might as well just do it in her family’s backyard, on their pool deck,” says Mason, who describes how they sent out digital invites with the viewing link just ten days before the wedding. “It wasn’t what we’d envisioned, but in a way, it actually took a lot of the pressure off. We could focus on the moment, instead of worrying about a schedule.” That lack of distraction—photo sessions to cram in, friends to entertain—meant they could focus on being present. “I’m not a crier, but when we were about to get married, and the sky was bright pink and the clouds were baby blue, and she was standing there so gorgeous in her white dress…I just couldn’t hold it back.” Adds Hudson: “We had our families around us, and there weren’t any worries in that moment. I held his hands, and it just felt right.” (Speaking of that wedding dress: By some miracle, it arrived at the bridal shop ahead of schedule, so Hudson was able to wear the one she’d originally picked. Mason, on the other hand, ended up having to order his tie on Amazon.)

Know the rules and regs

Unlike in New York, where you can be married by a celebrant Zoom’ing in from elsewhere, in Canada both people getting married and their officiant have to be in the same physical location in order for things to be legit. As of right now, every province and territory bar Quebec, Nunavut and the Northwest Territories, allows for gatherings of five or more people (and in BC, up to 50 now!). This will obviously involve some hard decisions, especially in the “max of 5 people” scenarios. Some couples have chosen a parent each, others their best man and maid of honour…however you dice it, you do have to choose two people to be your witnesses and sign the registry. (Pro safety tip: Make sure there’s a separate pen for each of the signees!) In Hudson and Mason’s case, keeping under Alberta’s restriction of 15 people, they seated some of his family members on one side of the pool deck and hers on the other, while their minister was six feet away in his own space, even when they were saying their vows. Don’t be afraid to get creative with that physical distancing: “There’s an empty lot beside the house,” says Hudson, “and Mason’s grandparents actually parked their car there and watched the ceremony over the fence.”

Go wild with your virtual invites!

Unless you were always planning a particularly small wedding, this will obviously mean you can physically have, like, 0.00001% of the people you were planning to invite…hence getting others involved via video. For Hudson and Mason, this actually turned out to be a silver lining: “We actually were able to include way more people, including my extended family who wouldn’t have all been able to fly in anyway,” says Hudson, adding that they ended up with over 200 people tuning in for their vows, when originally they’d planned for 40 at the temple part of the ceremony. Their reception guest list was always much larger—400!—but they’re planning to hold a bash (fingers crossed) in December.

Let other people help you

Hudson and Mason were actually overwhelmed by the way people offered to help them make their big day still feel special. Their decorator left supplies for them to pick up on their doorstep, and their families pitched in to turn their pool deck into a wedding venue, spearheaded by Hudson’s sister, while Mason’s sister took their wedding photographs. A friend of the family, who livestreams local sports games, volunteered up equipment so their Youtube was broadcast in high-quality video. After they got married, a procession of their friends drove by in decorated cars, so they still had a version of that classic “exiting the church with confetti” moment. “We saw how many people love us and support us,” says Hudson.

Test the tech—and then forget about it

“It was stressful!” admits Mason of setting up the Youtube livestream (which they opted for, by the way, over Zoom because it allowed for more attendees. Plus, it stays up once the live is done, so they now have a recording of their wedding forever.) They did a run through of the ceremony beforehand, just to make sure everything they wanted was in the shot, but when it came to the real thing, they both say they totally forgot the cameras were even there. “It’s funny because the video actually captures things we didn’t know were happening,” says Mason. “People told us later that two geese flew across the sky just as we were about to kiss. Apparently at another point, the moon, the sun and the evening stars all lined up in the sky above us.”

The post How to Have an Actually Great Zoom Wedding appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

To put it simply, dating is hell. It’s only complicated by apps and today’s “there’s always something better” mentality. Throw in a pandemic and, suddenly, it all seems entirely impossible. Dating no longer looks like sitting down to dinner at a restaurant, going to the movies or coming over for a drink. In an effort to continue pursuing romantic interests amidst COVID-19, however, people are getting creative and, as a result, getting more personal.

Karen B.K. Chan is a sex and emotional literacy educator based in Toronto. “Any restrictions or limitations—and these days are full of them, not just in terms of physical distancing, but also the freedom and the pressure to be in the world, to be busy, to be socially connected—can inspire creativity,” she says. “And creativity is one of the best ways of being yourself, being open and getting to know someone, growing closer to them and building a relationship.”

For many of the women I spoke to from across Canada, finding new ways to connect has led to a whole lot of video-chatting. On either side of the screen, there are still sit-down dinners, movie marathons and cocktails happening. The distance narrows when dates get personal, which seems inevitable as they connect from their apartments or childhood homes, and have less to worry about when it comes to dressing up (waist down, at least) or catching their train. Comfort and communication are on the menu now, on the very first date.

“Yes, it sucks to be dating at this time, but it’s also a great time to be dating,” says Chan. “To talk on the phone, to Skype or Zoom, to go for distant walks, to show each other your homes via a screen, to talk about all the things you would like to do with each other one day…Distance is what passion, desire and sexiness are all heightened by.”

It might seem like yet another obstacle to connect at a time when it feels as if the world is working entirely against just that, but Chan says these are circumstances you should be taking advantage of. “That intensity is what many people crave after the initial fire dims,” she says. “Slowing down at the beginning of a relationship and delaying physical intimacy can be one way of really drawing out that delicious part—focusing on the emotional, sexual, intellectual intimacy.”

Here, 10 women on how they are navigating their relationships and the dating world during social distancing—for better or worse. Plus, keep scrolling for 10 tips for staying safe—and still having fun—while dating during a pandemic.

“It was our six-year anniversary and we couldn’t celebrate”

“At the start of March Break, I was spending a long weekend at my boyfriend Joshua’s place. Those four days together were surreal because the situation [with COVID-19] was unfolding rapidly every day. It helped that we were together because otherwise we would have been freaked out (more than we were). I definitely felt some guilt leaving Joshua at the end of the weekend for home because he was going to be alone. However, I would have felt guilty not being with my parents, and it helps that he knows I need to be with them.

“Normally, we would see each other twice a week. We’re used to the space but now it’s definitely starting to affect us. We were living in separate countries for two months one summer (I was in Sri Lanka) so this situation isn’t necessarily new to us. Video chats help because we can see each other. We’ve decided to do more of these even though both of us hate cameras. We usually talk every day for an hour or so, which hasn’t changed. We’re doing more activities together now, like crosswords and movies.

“The not touching hasn’t been a major issue (yet), because we’re not entirely based on that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely hard not being able to hug or cuddle. However, the other stuff in our relationship is strong enough that if it disappears for a while, it’s OK. It was our six-year anniversary on April 3 and we weren’t really able to celebrate. We were both stressed and anxious. That’s the reality of it but we know that we will be able to celebrate together once this is all over. It also puts things in our relationship into perspective; we can’t sweat the small stuff anymore because all we want is to be together. Nothing else seems to matter.”

— Ranuka, 31, high-school teacher, Edmonton

“It’s a lot cheaper than a King West bar”

“I relocated to my parents’ home recently but, just before, I was on Hinge, Bumble and Tinder. I was shocked by the amount of messages I was getting! It certainly kicked up once lockdown kicked in and I was still getting asked to hang out, which I was rejecting. Apparently social distancing doesn’t apply to men asking to Netflix and chill, but what do I know? Since then I’ve turned my apps off; I can only handle so many pictures of men holding fish dressed head to toe in camo.

“I have still been speaking to a match I made before I moved, who I had to unfortunately cancel a date with just before this all started—I had thought I would be back home for a week or two but not a month or more! So we’ve decided on digital dates: We grab a drink and chat for a few hours, usually before bed. It’s a lot cheaper than a King West bar, but a little more delayed with my weak wifi. We’ve also been watching each other’s favourite movies at the same time, and play games like Draw Something and Trivia Crack.

“As an avid rom-com fan, I feel like this all sounds like something out of a movie—if it ends up going as well in person as it has on FaceTime.”

— Brianne, 28, blogger and freelance writer, Georgian Bay

“I don’t know if this will go anywhere after all of this”

“There was a woman I was seeing on and off for months before we all started to self-isolate. I thought that it was over, and I had lost interest. And I wasn’t really looking for anything long-term. I even kind of thought heading into all of this that, in this part of my life, maybe it could be a good thing, like maybe I could stop thinking about if I even want a relationship for once. I deleted my dating apps, I just stopped thinking about it all.

“But then that woman and I started to text a little more each day. We’re both isolating on our own, and I know for me it’s because I feel kind of lonely. It’s nice having someone reach out to ask how you’re doing or if you’re cooking chicken for the fourth time this week. And we’ve started to have deeper conversations, first just about the pandemic and what’s been going on. But then she was telling me all these personal things about her family. I told her about how I’ve kind of been questioning my career lately. It’s getting personal in a way I never expected with her and it probably wouldn’t have happened if we weren’t isolating.

“She asked me the other day if I wanted to video-chat and, I guess in this new world, it felt too intimate? Like now I have to work my way up to that! It’s funny, but I think I’ll do it. I don’t know if this will go anywhere after all of this, but right now it’s nice just having that person.”

— Jamie, 34, lawyer, Vancouver

“We’ve had to put our timelines on hold”

“I was hopeful that quarantine would provide a unique environment for connection and would foster real conversation on dating apps. It soon became clear to me that is not the case. App users who prefer to meet up quickly and go on dates aren’t great at engaging in small talk online. On the other hand, people who do enjoy speaking online are anxious and it’s hard to sustain meaningful conversation beyond the pandemic. It’s understandable, but it’s frustrating.

“People are connecting with their immediate communities and don’t have the same emotional capacity to create new connections during the pandemic. I’m wary of trauma bonding during this unusual time. Connecting over a shared anxiety or trauma isn’t a healthy foundation for a relationship even though it does signal a shared compassion and empathy. Can it be sustained outside of the trauma? Without knowing what our new normal is going to be, it is unlikely that these types of connections will have a strong foundation.

“Everyone is grieving multiple losses during this pandemic. A very significant loss for single people is the time we would spend dating and meeting our match. We’ve had to put our timelines on hold and that means pushing off not just romance, but starting a family. Biological clocks are a reality for everyone. Through the pandemic and this freeze on my own dating timeline, I am deeply hopeful about meeting someone when restrictions loosen. I hope people will be more willing and eager to meet one another and allow their walls to come down. I know I will be bolder and braver.”

— Kaley, 31, podcast host, Toronto

“Online dating is still dominated by the most selfish and unenlightened men”

“I had two digital dates recently with the same man. I moved our conversation from Plenty of Fish to video chat because I learned a while ago that I don’t want to spend weeks chatting with someone via text and get excited only to meet them and be disappointed. Online chats do not equal real life chemistry and attraction; I can have the most amazing chats with a man I would never kiss.

“During our first FaceTime date, he drank quite a bit. It was Saturday night and he admitted he was nervous, so I gave him some leeway. During our second FaceTime date, he drank again, and this time grew rude and argumentative. I was drinking tea and relaxing on the couch taking in his behaviour. Apparently I had said something he didn’t like and so he told me he wanted to ‘punch me in the throat.’ Over several hours, he became more graphic and aggressive, and tried to invite himself over to my house. I let him know that would not happen—even if there were no pandemic. At that moment, I had a picture of who he was and I wasn’t interested.

“Conversations with men on dating apps are tougher now, in a way, because they’re bored, killing time. I had hoped that the pandemic would have men being introspective and wanting to have a meaningful connection. Unfortunately, from what I and my peers have seen, it has just led to men focusing on how much hornier they are now. So many are ready and willing to hook-up ‘on the sly’ in spite of the virus. Online dating is still dominated by the most selfish and unenlightened men in the city, it seems.

— Natasha, 38, night auditor, St. John’s

“Quarantine and chill?”

“This is the longest I’ve had Tinder on my phone. I usually delete it after a week maximum, but I’ve had it for almost a month now, because what else is there to do? Many of the profiles I saw at the start of the pandemic had cheesy new pickup lines, like, ‘looking for my quaranqueen’ or ‘quarantine and chill?’ But all they wanted was to jump straight to sex. I’m not opposed to hookups but, personally, as someone who has long awaited a true romance, I’d reply with a swift ‘no thank you.’

“Once the pandemic grew more serious, and the 14-day social distancing period went into effect, my matches had changed their profiles almost entirely. They added more wholesome photos, and their bios were more affectionate. They’re engaging in deeper conversation, and speak as if we’re long-term friends. Of course, everyone wants someone to talk to during these times, so conversation is flowing. Because we can’t see each other, many of my matches ask for my Snapchat or Instagram so that we can video-chat right off the bat. Most of us are at home, so our true selves are coming out during these dates; you can really see what a person is like.

“While I still prefer making connections in real life, I do have a FaceTime date planned, which is exciting. I’ve never done it before, but I suppose there’s a first time for everything. At least I don’t have to worry about what to wear or what time I have to leave to make it in time. We can just set up a time and talk!”

— Reyanna, 20, student, Toronto

“Communication is the key”

“Dating during this pandemic has been an adventure. Men have been more responsive when replying to messages on dating apps, yet most still want to meet up, so I write them off.

“But I have matched with a few men on Tinder and Hinge who I have had some sort of connection with. I FaceTimed recently with a man I had been speaking to on and off for months. We had a wine night, ordered sushi and watched Clueless (since he had somehow never seen it before and it’s my favourite) at the same time so it felt like we were out at a restaurant and at the movies together. I also had a virtual dinner date with someone I matched with on Hinge, which went surprisingly well. I’m usually really nervous when talking to new people, but both dates went great.

“I personally don’t find having to build a virtual connection or relationship to be weird or out of place. In fact, I met all of my closest friends online. With each of them, we found each other through social media, chatted for a few months, and when we met we built these unbreakable bonds over time. So it is possible. Communication is the key in any successful relationship, and since self-isolating, I’ve found it to have dramatically improved with men I’m speaking to.”

– Michelle, 23, student, Montreal

“Everything is suddenly reminding me of sex”

“I met my boyfriend Stephan on OkCupid almost exactly a year ago, so it feels as if we’ve gone back to the beginning of our relationship. We typically see each other every weekend, so this has been an adjustment for us. The longest I hadn’t seen him was when I went on a trip for a week over the summer, and he couldn’t handle that time away. So for us, communication is everything. We video-chat and make sure we say ‘I love you’ every day, we send each other memes, silly videos. We’ll have tea time, choose each other’s outfits, give each other challenges. The first week I was at home due to being laid off, he put on his Blue Jays sweatshirt, I wore my Blue Jays T-shirt and we FaceTimed and pretended we were going to the home opener. For a good five minutes, we acted as if we were in the stands cheering on the team, and I felt so much better.

“I don’t get any alone time at home since I live with my family. So if we’re in the mood we’ll send each other nudes or provocative videos. There was one day when my mom had to head into work and my sister went to get groceries that I managed to have some alone time, and we had phone sex. Otherwise, I feel a sense of withdrawal; I’m hornier than ever and everything is suddenly reminding me of sex, from the banana on the kitchen counter to the seagulls cawing outside my window in the morning. It’s crazy though, because we were intimate with each other merely once a week before quarantine, but because I can’t ever physically be around Stephan now, it makes me want him more. Sometimes I feel an urge to break the rules, jump on the train and go see him. Still, I feel connected to him every day because I talk to him every day. It’s all made me realize how important human connection and touch is.”

— Karen, 29, teacher, Toronto

“We said ‘I love you’ on our fourth night together”

“Jon and I began isolation in our own homes, video-calling each other for five hours at a time. It became torturous because we really missed each other even though we were still kind of strangers, in a romantic sense. We first met in August but it was uneventful. After months of false starts, we re-connected in early March over a mutual personal issue, and ever since then everything changed, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.

“We started to worry about what might happen to our relationship as it had just started. The isolation was killing my soul despite all my digital interactions with him and my friends. We messaged online, we did improv shows over Zoom, but it was insufficient in lieu of real-life socialization.

“Finally, on March 25, he said I should come over. I cycled from my East York apartment to his North York house, with a duffle bag full of only essentials. We both felt unprepared: How long will the isolation last? How long will I stay? Will this ruin us? We took the risk. Time feels like it’s moving quickly now. We feel so emotionally comfortable, despite only going steady for a few weeks. We’ve learned each other’s habits, which have also changed because of the circumstances: I’m in bed at 5 a.m. because I’m a night owl and struggling with my depression and limited motivation. He’s started to match my rhythm and sleep in with me. We’re having sex a few times a day but it’s already become secondary to communication.

“We said ‘I love you’ on our fourth night together, which I realize sounds insane. But, emotionally, we were there. And we said, ‘happy one-year anniversary’ to each other two nights ago, just because that’s how close it feels we’ve gotten. I feel that amount of experience in a phenomenally developmental way, as if we might be teenagers; a year of maturation and growth basking in youthful energy.”

— Zoe, 27, actor and comedian, Toronto

“I miss being in the same bed”

“Let’s just say there’s a whole lot of sexting going down. Does anyone still say ‘cyber sex?’ Because now I understand that concept. My girlfriend and I have been together for two years, and this month so far is the longest we’ve ever been apart. On the one hand, we have faith in our relationship, we’re not worried about any kind of strain it could have on us. But we miss each other, I miss being in the same bed or even just having my grocery buddy (and her car, I’ll be honest). You start to realize how that person fills in those little spaces in your life. We’ll FaceTime while we take walks so it feels like we’re next to each other on the sidewalk.

“It sounds so corny, but you get corny thinking about this stuff, and you think about this stuff a lot when you’re without that person for so long. We were talking about moving in together recently and during all of this we’ve decided it’s official, we’re doing it when this is all over. Why waste any more time? If something like this ever happens again, god forbid, I wanna be together. She’s with her family right now, so sometimes I feel guilty about thinking that, and I’m glad she’s with them. But I don’t have mine to go to in that way, so if we’re together, we can build that for ourselves. That would be nice, I think. Corny, but nice.

— Aja, 26, illustrator, Vancouver

Top tips for dating during a pandemic

1. The basic rules still apply: “Although we still recommend virtual dates as a first step to connect with someone new, we know that as we move into summer, singles will want to meet in person to see if those sparks are there,” says Toronto-based dating expert and matchmaker Shannon Tebb. “Masks are still advised, as is consistent hand-washing. And social distancing at two metres should continue to be practised. Which means it’s all about the smize.” Even a mask can’t hide a flirty glance.
2. If your Zoom chats are starting to feel boring, give your virtual date nights a theme, and dress up (or don’t dress at all!). Or find new activities, like a virtual escape room, a book club or cooking a dish together neither of you have made before, by propping up your phone and connecting to FaceTime in the kitchen to cook “side-by-side.”
3. Go on a socially distanced date. This could be a walk through the city, grabbing takeout at your favourite restaurant and going on a picnic, or exploring new hiking trails together. For a date that would make Lorelai Gilmore proud, head to a drive-in. There are still over 30 across Canada, and if you bring your own snacks, you can catch a movie in your cars side-by-side. It’s even better than going to a regular theatre.
4. We may not be living in the 1920s, but that doesn’t mean snail mail has lost its romance. In fact, it’s gained in appeal, having become something of a relic. Taking the effort to write a love letter by hand and seal and stamp an envelope is dedication in 2020. Bonus: Letters can make for pretty special keepsakes.
5. Learn how to sext. Seriously, if you haven’t started yet, now’s the time. Here’s a guide to doing it safely.
6. As the country slowly reopens, so does patio season, so you can actually—gasp!—meet for a drink. While patios may only offer limited and distanced seating, being outside (as opposed to indoors at a bar or your apartment) is safer during the pandemic, where risk of virus transmission is relatively lower.
7. Get active. Certain low-contact sports have been A-OK’d so get out and play a few rounds of tennis, outdoor ping-pong, hit the driving range, take a frisbee to the park or bike along a waterfront.
8. If you’re showing symptoms of any kind, stay home. “Don’t feel pressured to meet someone outdoors,” says Tebb. “While this might feel like an odd time to develop a relationship with someone, it’s a great opportunity to build a stronger emotional foundation and limits people from serial dating, meaning you are their priority to get to know.” Take advantage of this time to really get to know your new partner—and what you both want and need.

The post Here’s How People Are Dating Right Now appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

In terms of nerve-wracking life events, first dates are right up there with job interviews. The pressure of what to wear, what to talk about and how to present yourself as a person who’s just casually pursuing something (whether that’s a romantic relationship or a career) when you’re actually a person who is really f#%ing pursuing something is…intense. Mercifully, the virtual preliminary job interview has been a thing for years now, allowing candidates to secretly sweat it out in the comfort of their own homes. But the idea of the virtual first date has lagged behind, probably because in the pre-lockdown era it was seen as impersonal. How do you gauge chemistry through a screen?

But with our window to the outside world now reduced to the size of our laptops, virtual chats with friends, colleagues and family have kept us from feeling completely disconnected. And for singles stuck inside and not willing to put their dating lives completely on hold, Zoom, FaceTime and the like sit atop a very short list of options. Surprisingly perhaps, this brave new world of virtual dating seems to be functioning fairly well. So well, in fact, that it might be something we should consider continuing well after self-isolation ends.

Ashley, a thirty-something retail associate who’s been locked down at home with her ex while trying to negotiate the dating world and the COVID-19 crisis, says that her virtual dates are something she’d definitely do again even after we’re all released from this coronavirus cage. “There’s no commute, you can have a more relaxed approach to your makeup/outfit/grooming, you’re more likely to be comfortable in your own personal space, and if you hit it off well enough you can plan an IRL second date. Otherwise, if you’re not feeling it, you can escape or find an excuse to end the date much more easily.”

In the very least, a first date done virtually lowers the stakes in terms of the investment in time and emotion, but the biggest benefit, especially for women, is the element of safety—particularly at a time when we’re using semi-anonymous apps (hey, Tinder) to introduce us to potential dates and/or hookups. “I’ve met so many people online (whether it was for dating or not) throughout my life and I’ve been fortunate to have never felt unsafe,” says Ashley. “But I’m thinking more cautiously lately. The one date I went on before lockdown, I made sure to text a friend before and after, and stuck to a neighbourhood bar.”

A first date done through Zoom can change the dynamic in a positive way, says Claire AH, the Hamilton-based owner of the matchmaking and relationship coaching service Friend of a Friend. AH has been recommending virtual dating to her clients throughout lockdown and says she’ll continue to do so even after social restrictions are relaxed, because it ups both the safety and the accessibility factor of a date. “The feeling of like, ‘OK, I am in my space, if I really feel uncomfortable, I can end the chat’ is empowering,” she says. “It’s also cheaper and more accessible. So for people who have a chronic illness or disability, you don’t need to figure out transportation. You don’t need to figure out a place that’s going to be accessible for you. You don’t need to worry about how comfortable you’ll be sitting or walking around for however long.”

And while on-screen dates may not always be the ideal, they definitely have more than one or two things going for them: “I think obviously there are drawbacks to not being in the same space with somebody,” says AH. “You miss a certain type of chemistry. You’re not 100% getting the full sense of someone’s body or someone’s body language. But being in your own space, it makes people feel a little more comfortable…they’re a little more at ease to divulge a little more, which leads to conversations where people get to know each other better.”

Not every COVID-era dater is willing to sacrifice the all-important test to see if sparks fly in real life. “I like to test physical chemistry within the first few dates so that’s why I’m not into meeting new people right now,” says Whitney, a university librarian in her thirties. “Especially if I weren’t immediately visually attracted to them but I liked their personality, it’d be a risk to either give up on them without having the chemistry test, or to keep talking to them for months and then it’s not great when you finally meet in person.” Which is the major issue with dating during a lockdown that has no definitive end date. When will we get to meet up face to face (and body to body)? And what about sex? (Remember sex?)

But people are finding ways to make it work in the meantime—and, again, there are some benefits to trying things out virtually first. “The video sex has been so hot that I think I might have missed my calling as a camgirl,” says Ashley. “It’s felt empowering investing in new sex toys and lingerie and to feel desired and to tell one another what we’d do if we were in the same room. We’ve had a chance to be really open about our likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs.” Talking about sex can often be difficult for couples, especially new couples, so moving things online, at least to start, can help to break down that barrier and lead to more open conversations about preferences, safety and more.

There is, of course, a different security concern here: “There are a lot of things about online privacy and security that people need to be aware of,” advises AH, so those are definitely things to consider before embarking on  a video sex adventure.

Setting up one or two brief and casual chats is a good way to at least test the virtual dating waters. If that’s where you’re at, AH offers some tips: “The number-one piece of advice is that it’s not that different from an in-person date. A lot of instincts are still valid. It’s a little bit of an adjustment, but it’s not as daunting as people think. Be intentional, show up looking good. One thing people say is, ‘Oh, you don’t have to wear pants.’ Well, we’ve all seen that one news correspondent in a suit jacket and underwear.”

Beyond the potential embarrassment factor, getting ready like you would for an IRL date will help set the mood and make you feel confident. “Just because someone can’t smell your breath doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to not brush your teeth,” says AH. “A lot of these things signify to us, even on a subconscious level, ‘I’m showing up, I’m prepared, I’m feeling my best.’”

To the same end, it’s important to treat virtual dates as more than just a chat. “I would encourage people, especially in this COVID time right now,” AH suggests, “to be a little creative with dates because there is that concern that it will default to being like an interview. Find the ways you can do that over video: Do a cooking demo together. Do a Netflix party. Check out a virtual gallery. Find things that are enjoyable to you and also enjoyable for your date doesn’t have to feel gimmicky. A date can be something that isn’t just a conversation.”

The post Should First Dates Go Virtual…Permanently? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

In the 1994 movie Chungking Express, a man breaks up with his girlfriend and suddenly everything in his home reminds him of her, but also seems to be just as depressed as him. “Ever since she left, everything in the apartment is sad,” he says, noticing his sad little bar of soap has gotten slimmer, that his towels refuse to dry, that his underwear has been hiding, that his food tastes sour. “I have to comfort them all before I go to sleep.”

Now imagine if there is no escaping that apartment. And most things inside it are a memory not only of the relationship but the moment you broke up—over Zoom, probably, on that couch in that corner by that window under that itchy blanket. Or worse still: You’re quarantined together.

Break-ups suck. Always have, always will. But if you’re breaking up during a pandemic—which, as China’s rising divorce rates suggest, may be a common experience—it’s especially painful. So, we spoke to an expert to figure out how to navigate this messy territory as best you can.

Step 1: Get clear on your feelings

Yes, this is a difficult, unprecedented and straight-up bonkers time. But, consider it a moment in time where you might also be experiencing more clarity than ever.

“In times like the ones we’re living in, where it feels somewhat catastrophic, significant things are called into question, like foundational beliefs, world views, who we are as people, the meaning of life,” says Benita Joy, a Toronto-based therapist and founder of the Toronto Relationship Clinic. “Priorities get sharper and you achieve a level of clarity around what’s truly important right now. That can mean asking if this is the person you want to be doing this with. It’s the answer to that not-so-unfathomable-anymore question: If you were stuck on a deserted island, who would you want to take with you?”

If you’re not sure, now’s a good time to do some serious thinking. Particularly, you need to tease out whether questions about your relationship are due to bigger issues of compatibility or whether you’re simply arguing more due to the increased stresses this pandemic has loaded on all of us. It’s definitely not unusual right now to want to literally throttle your partner over a sink full of dishes. That doesn’t mean you actually hate them, though.

“Connect to your intuition,” advises Joy. “Ask yourself: Am I having this argument because this moment is crappy or because this relationship isn’t working and hasn’t been for a while?” As different as times are and as much of an emotional impact as it’s having, if you feel your relationship no longer works, a break-up probably occurred to you and/or your partner well before this hit. It might just be that the slowed pace of life is giving you a chance to pay attention to those signs.

Those signs could be big—like you find you have different philosophies on how to handle this period, or you’re not emotionally available for each other in the way you need right now—or small—like you find yourself aggravated by your partner’s habits, you’re constantly in each other’s way, or you’re communicating less. Listen to that voice in your head or that unsettled feeling in your gut. She’s on to something.

Step 2: Banish guilt

With so much to juggle right now, including a world-wide health crisis, potential job loss, maybe a lack of child-care, it wouldn’t be unusual if you also feel a sense of guilt at the thought of breaking up with your partner in such a troubled time.

“When there’s guilt, I would pause and think about where it’s coming from,” says Joy. “If there’s an extreme amount of guilt in terms of letting the other person go, that might mean that wasn’t a healthy relationship to start with.” For example, it’s worth considering if you and/or your partner have set too high expectations for what your role is in the relationship, and whether that’s a practical standard, or even worth fulfilling. Sometimes that can look like feeling responsible for your partner’s pain and future, which is an unhealthy marker of your dynamic. Guilt can often function to make you, the person who wants to leave, feel like the bad guy. But you have to prioritize your future.

If those feelings of guilt persist, remember that prolonging a split will only cause more pain for both of you. “In the long run, the folks that are honest with themselves and each other are going to be able to bounce back so much better,” says Joy.

Step 3: Get face to face

Even a pandemic doesn’t make a text-message split OK. So whether you’re quarantining under the same roof or set up a video call, it’s crucial to speak to your partner face to face.

In either instance, take some notes before you begin to collect your thoughts and plan what you want to say. Then, put your phone away and focus on your partner. While starting off with some pleasantries is good, don’t get too caught up in chatter. Address the awkwardness of the situation (“Don’t be afraid to say, honestly, ‘Yeah, this sucks,’” says Joy) and then be direct, explaining why this is something that is important to you right now, and can’t wait until the pandemic is over.

Be careful not to get too caught up in discussing “what could have been” if COVID never happened—this leaves room for hope that you might be able to get back together later and is unfair. Also avoid “attacking, blaming or throwing old incidents in each other’s faces,” adds Joy. “Be understanding and patient. It’s just: ‘This is where I’m at and this is how I feel.’”

If you’re doing this over video, schedule the call with your partner without disclosing that this is going to be a “serious talk” about the state of your relationship—there’s no need to set their mind race until then. Choose a time that offers space to unwind for you both, likely after work hours or during the weekend.

If you’re living together, have the conversation in a space where you typically might get together to talk about your day, whether that’s at the dinner table or on the couch. Note that it will be crucial to discuss how you will be navigating your living space as single people cohabiting, and suggest a time for another discussion a few days later to hash it out. After your conversation, build some distance, whether that’s by taking a walk on your own, or calling up a friend to debrief in a separate room.

Step 4: Start moving on

Post-break-up, as bored or lonely as you might feel while self-isolating, it’s important you fight the urge to reach out to your former partner as much as possible, because at that point it becomes exclusively about comfort and convenience, and that’s not fair to either of you.

If you’re living together, and can’t safely relocate to a friend or family member’s home, create physical boundaries. For example, avoid sleeping in the same bed. Decide which space in your home belongs to who for the time being, and which spaces are communal. Make a list of chores or errands, and decide who will be taking those on for the week and how you’ll be paying for them. Have your meals separately and at separate times. More than anything, try your best to avoid discussing the break-up. And maybe don’t go on a virtual date with someone new right in front of or in earshot of your partner. All the while remembering that, while this certainly won’t be a fun period, it will be temporary.

Whether you break up in person or over video, it’s important afterward to find support in friends and family, and talk to them about what you’re experiencing. “Tell your friends, ‘I’m going through something, and this is a way that I would love for you to support me,’” says Joy.

In many ways, the healing process might not look all that different from what you’ve been doing since the pandemic began—watching Netflix, snacking, napping, just overall Bridget Jones-ing—but that doesn’t make it any less important to indulge in that “me time.” Where you can step it up is by reaching out to a virtual therapist, starting a journal to help process your feelings, going for walks, and reading books about moving on. Get a healthy amount of sleep, have a routine, and find some control by creating daily to-do lists.

Reframe your breakup and treat it like a restart button. This can be a time to get to know yourself, your attachment style, who you are in a relationship and what has changed for you since it began. “Feel all the feelings,” advises Joy. “Because there’s going to be grief, there’s going to be sadness, there’s going to be loneliness. There’s going to be a part of you that says, ‘Maybe this was the wrong decision.’ Be patient with yourself as each of those thoughts comes up. Do your own personal work with all this time you have, and realize that the moment to start preparing for any and all future relationships is today.”

The post How to Break Up With Someone During a Pandemic appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

It’s late, you’re feeling yourself and, more importantly, you’re feeling the person you’re texting. Things are getting hot, so you decide, why not? You remove some clothes, check your angles, and—click!—you’re sexting. Sending a sexy pic can be a rush—and there’s raw power in taking control of your sexuality, feeling beautiful and sexy enough to share proof with your partner. And to be clear, there is nothing wrong, bad or dirty about sending or receiving a consensual sext. (Sext-shaming is just as negative as slut-shaming.) But that doesn’t mean there’s no risk to sexting. So, how can you make sure you’re protecting yourself? And what even happens to your saucy pics once you hit send? Here’s what you need to know about safe sexting.

I’m a newbie. What is sexting?

Sexting is the act of sharing intimate or explicit images featuring nudity or sexual acts via digital distribution. Not to be confused with phone sex, which is talking through sex acts (yes, actual talking on the phone), sexting can vary from sending a peekaboo nip slip to an ejaculation video, and everything in between. The important thing to remember is that, like all sexual acts, sexting must be consensual between two adults to be legal. It is illegal for minors under the age of 18 to send nude images of themselves, even to other minors—under the criminal code, that’s considered child pornography—and it’s illegal for anyone to knowingly share intimate images of another person without their consent. (That’s been law in Canada since 2015.)

Just because it’s illegal, however, doesn’t mean people aren’t doing it (obvs). And whether or not you are the sexting type, it’s important to be informed. Read on for tips on how to protect yourself and your images.

Crop out your face

That’s it. That’s the rule. Always.

Trust your gut–and lay down your rules

It’s important to have a conversation about expectations and deal-breakers when sexting. It doesn’t have to be formal; a simple, “This is for your eyes only, no screen grabs, please delete” goes a long way. You should trust and respect the person you’re trading sexts with, and the feeling should be mutual. And don’t drink (or otherwise imbibe) and sext. This can be a tough one—for some, being tipsy is the only way sexting makes sense. The confidence that can come after a night spent flirting, drinking and dancing is potent. But from a privacy perspective, you don’t want anything to compromise your judgement. Nor do you want to accidentally sext the wrong person!

Turn off iCloud or Google Photos

If your camera automatically backs up over wi-fi, turn off the wi-fi before sending a sext, especially if you share a Google Photos account. True story: Someone I know sent a string of hot af photos to her boyfriend, only to have them immediately upload to her family’s shared Google Photos account. Her grandpa sent her a text telling her! I died from embarrassment-by-association.

Know how your apps work

Using an app to sext is very common, but do you know what apps save what, and where? What’s App automatically saves to your camera roll; Snapchat and Instagram inform you when someone takes a screen grab of your photo, which is very good to know. You can deactivate all these options easily in the app settings. And check your phone’s settings as well.

Delete the photo’s metadata

EXIF metadata is saved to every image and video you create with your phone’s digital camera. EXIF is an acronym for Exchangeable Image File Format, which is all the photo’s unique info such as size, aperture, camera make and model, etc. It also contains the time, date, place (if you have Location turned on) and your IP address—the latter is what links the picture to your phone. If you’re concerned about being tied to an explicit image, use an app like Scrambed Exif or Photo Exif Editor to scrape your images before sending.

Make sure your phone is secure

This is important for anyone who use has a mobile phone (so, like, just about everyone). There are two simple things you can do to combat the potential of hackers getting their hands on your nudes: Keep your apps up to date and change your password often. I know, we all have too many passwords, but luckily there’s an app for that. Password managers keep track of your passwords and auto-generate new ones so you don’t have to stress over adding one more $#@* to a word you’ll never remember.

The post Now’s a Good Time to Learn How to Sext appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Gina Gutierrez was using the meditation app Headspace when she realized “audio immerses me so deeply, it actually changes how I feel,” and thought maybe the aural realm could be tapped into for other purposes, too. As a former psychology student, Gutierrez has always been interested in the mind’s involvement in sex, beyond the body-focused way people usually talk about their experiences. It’s what led her to co-found the erotic story studio Dipsea.

While drinking wine with friends in their kitchen, including her co-founder Faye Keegan, Gutierrez realized that there wasn’t much pornography on the internet that made them feel good. She found out that, to get turned on, some reached for the same book with a hot passage they’d stumbled upon in Grade 12 or pulled up a random scene in an episode of Outlander. Gutierrez and Keegan recorded their first stories in that same kitchen, posted them to a Squarespace website and shared it with 200 people. The next day, the number of listeners shot up to 1,200—Dipsea now has 400,000 downloads to date and that’s still growing fast. Self-isolation has led to a serious bump in traffic of their narrated stories and new guided sessions, like edging exercises, dirty talk lessons and BDSM how-tos.

Sexuality is the latest frontier of the ever-booming wellness industry, and apps and podcasts disseminating sex-positive tutorials, audio erotica and documentary stories from everyday people are redefining the way many consume adult content. A considerable change with these new experiences is that they’re woman-led and often created with female-identifying and non-binary folks in mind, moving away from the male gaze-centric porn that still makes up the megalithic mainstream.

A big part of this shift is recategorizing the way we think about sex from being something illicit that could fit in a similar box as alcohol, drugs and gambling, to a factor that impacts our overall health, akin to exercise, mindfulness and eating your greens. Andrea Oliver Garcia, the founder of Barcelona-based intimate well-being guide Emjoy, first set out to focus on sexual wellness because of personal experiences and surprising stats, like up to 40% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm. Though problems related to female pleasure are widespread, the founder learned from sex therapists that it can take over five years for people experiencing them to seek help because of shame or embarrassment. Because she’s focused on making all her well-being tutorials as science-based as possible, Oliver Garcia was shocked at how few studies about human sexuality are available, so she relied heavily on experts. When signing up, Emjoyers set goals like increasing self-esteem or practising mindful sex. Then they do the most fun homework ever and browse tutorials about figuring out what gives them pleasure or how to better communicate their needs, before diving into the fiction section to learn about what turns them on or just to get some good old-fashioned enjoyment.

The reason entrepreneurial women are deciding to opt for audio, as opposed to video, is no coincidence either. As the co-creator of Quebec’s sex-focused documentary podcast Ferry, Sylvianne Rivest-Beauséjour, puts it, “voice is so intimate, it’s close to thought.” However, it’s more than just the proximity of a seductive voice leading us through erotic scenarios that gets women going. Gutierrez points to a study by the Kinsey Institute in which they found that “90% percent of women use scenario conjuring to get turned on—what they call framing, meaning they’re using their minds to activate arousal.” The majority of us enjoy letting our imaginations take the reins when we get down and dirty, and there’s little room for this more active participation when watching visuals packed with porn-ready bodies and money shot close-ups. Both Emjoy and Dipsea are intentional about the type of erotic stories they’re creating too, doing away with cliché, tacky or demeaning tropes in favour of focusing on real-life scenarios that listeners can relate to. To identify what users are looking for, staffing is key. As Oliver Garcia points out, “if you haven’t lived these things first-hand, it’s hard to relate. That’s why I think more […] founding teams are women,” and aside from three developers her crew of 12, including story writers, in-studio engineers and well-being content creators, are all female.

This tune-in format is also opening up new career paths for women, whether that’s in writing sex-positive stories for apps, voice acting or learning to use sound editing software on the fly. Ferry’s co-creator Catherine Lavoie corresponds to the latter group and was editing the podcast together herself before its second season was picked up by Radio Canada to be broadcast to the general public. The Ferry duo’s aim is different from the app producers’: They wanted to highlight positivity in everyday sexuality with a documentary style that normalizes conversations around adult subject matter that rarely gets talked about openly. They worked to start a real “dialogue, to awaken people’s consciousness and show what consent, reciprocity and sexual pleasure can sound like in a positive, non-didactic way.” Now that the podcast lives on Radio Canada’s website permanently and they won a NUMIX podcasting prize in 2018, it’s safe to say their efforts have paid off.

Who gets to participate is also being rethought in audio erotic world, with inclusivity baked into both the payroll and behind the earbuds. Though the majority of Emjoy’s usership is made up of cis gender women between the ages of 25 and 35, they’re constantly evolving to meet user needs and desires, like when they recently took feedback from a transgender woman to tweak some of the language and use the word genitals instead of vagina, or by creating sexy scenarios that include non-binary characters. As for the sultry voices you’ll hear over at Dipsea, Gutierrez says that this narrated format allows them to “provide opportunity and payment to a lot of marginalized communities, and we can have a huge portion of our talent network be disabled,” showing how this growing field can employ people who might have a harder time getting other types of acting jobs.

Developments don’t mean that sexuality isn’t still hugely taboo, though. It’s something all these founders and content creators have been faced with. Though slow, they do see a change happening and they’re all trying to bolster it through more open communication, dialogue and listening. Oliver Garcia says that, by looking at Emjoy’s data and conducting phone interviews, she knows that a lot of her user base is women from “conservative backgrounds searching for a solution like ours, [and they might] follow sexuality or body-positive accounts” on social media. Women who are more liberal or comfortable with their sexuality also download Emjoy because they’re intrigued or have never seen something like this before that caters to their curiosities and desires without judgment or shaming.

As women start creating the sex-positive, consensual erotica we might imagine acting on in our own lives, we finally have models and references for what healthy sexual culture could be. Storytelling has always been a form of learning and, now, it’s helping us bridge the gap between our fantasies and realities in leading by example.

The post Audio Erotica Is the Latest Self-Care Tool For Women appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

I’ve been with my partner for longer than I haven’t.

I’m 35 years old. So as quick math will tell you, I married the first person I fell for.

When we met, in high school, I wasn’t pursuing a husband who would smother my kids with kisses and boil orecchiette to al dente perfection—I just wanted to attend prom with a hot dude. He fit into a laundry list of cutie blonde crushes with gelled hair and frosted tips. At my uniformed Catholic high school, you had to brand your personal style through your beauty routine: Mine was M.A.C Lipglass Clear and flat-ironed hair; his was a Caesar haircut and two diamond piercings in his ears. His name was Dave. And he was DREAMY.

But when I started to fall for him, there was a part of me that loved the idea of locking someone in and being with them forever—even back then. I pictured beach holidays, chubby diapered babies and Christmas mornings exchanging velvet boxes. I had one particular fantasy in which we went on a date at the CN Tower and I wore a pastel baby blue spaghetti strap slip dress (the one that got away). While my friends collected boyfriends like key chains (it was a THING in the early aughts),  I pined over a six-foot blonde draped in a cherry-red leather varsity jacket who smoked Players behind the math portables.

Once I entered university, we were locked into our relationship.  During that time, I never felt the temptation to date around—I also didn’t live on campus. I was in a highly competitive and condensed journalism program, so I placed more emphasis on crushing the competition than banging them. I remember one conversation on campus I had with a close friend whose opinion I highly respected. When I told her about how long I had been with my Dave, I winced a little, bracing myself for her response—but instead of recoiling with judgment, she softened her voice, tilted her head, and told me how sweet she thought it was. It was the validation I didn’t know I needed.

But I’ve certainly felt the sting of a judgmental eye roll, the condescending lilt when someone says, “Squeeeeee, high-school sweethearts!” and been pelted with comments such as “You’re missing out,” “You’ll regret it when you’re older,” etc., etc. On the flip side, when we married, years later, we had been together for 12 years, and many people acted shocked that we had waited “that long”—but we were only 28!

Though none of these interactions were enough to leave enough of a memorable mark for me to remember in detail. And truthfully, the more birthday candles I blow out, the less I care about the opinion of others when it comes to many things, but in particular, this sacred part of my life. What rattled me in my 20s barely enters my consciousness in my 30s.

I don’t particularly feel like I’m missing out, except for when friends are swapping torrid tales of exes (with a moon in Gemini, I’m curious and enthralled with gossip). Our courtship was devoid of nude snaps, so I regret that I won’t have an edited library of risqué pics to share with my granddaughter—le sigh. But alternatively, with the prevalence of our current swipe-right culture, I find myself feeling overcome with gratitude that our relationship wasn’t fractured with awful behaviours like ghosting or being left on read—we were only just learning how to work our black and white Nokia flip phones.

At this point, so many of our holidays, birthdays and memories are threaded together. When I need to source a memory, I just tap his tattooed shoulder, and my human iCloud fills me in. We have some overlap in our friend group, but we are by no means embedded into a central group that has consistent hangouts—we have completely different circles of employment and preferred personal schedules (I love a pre-dawn wake-up; he would live vampiric if he could), so I never feel like my life is entirely attached to his. Despite sharing the intense responsibility of keeping our little humans alive, I will always honour his ability to live his own life, do his own thing and to carve his own time—as he has always done for me.

But of course, being young and in a long-term relationship isn’t always “a bag of rainbows”—a real hilarious zinger that he lauded my way during an argument, referring to my stormy mood. There are zero opportunities to compare this relationship to your last, to get a sense of when you should exit the relationship—because you never left the last one. And it’s not like I never think about those boys I dated in less serious ways, or creep their social media—I have a beating heart, after all.  In my case, it just comes down to a level of comfort, satisfaction and warmth—like a perfectly fried egg over crispy rice (something he’s quite good at making, actually). And knowing that this is the right relationship for me? It’s definitely led by the gut, but co-signed by the heart.

Much like the memories I have of orchestrating the precise time of day to walk past him by the portables when my lipgloss was fresh and my hair was perfectly pressed, I still seek opportunities to impress him, to delight him, to make him smile. Because the joy he has brought to my life is unmatched to any other feeling. It’s in a league of love, respect and kindness that I’ve been so fortunate to know, despite knowing no real alternative. And maybe one day, we’ll toast to all of it, 553 metres in the sky, from the glorious CN Tower in downtown Toronto, looking back at how far (and high) we’ve come.

The post I Actually Ended Up With My First Love appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

COVID-19 has inspired a multitude of emotions. Terror. Boredom. Worry. Fatigue. And…lust?

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It’s early days, so there are no studies to prove that this particular pandemic is making people increasingly horny, but there is some pretty telling data emerging—sales of famed toy The Womanizer have skyrocketed by 135% in Canada since the beginning of the pandemic—and plenty of anecdotal evidence. Social media has seen a massive influx of thirsty memes these past few weeks, and COVID-related imagery is starting to fill our hearts with desire: Quarantine-themed porn is already being produced, and the plague doctor costume (yep, it’s a thing) is getting lots of folks all worked up.

What’s the deal with our sudden collective surge of arousal?

Sex experts agree—pandemic horniness is definitely a thing

J. Matsui De Roo, a Vancouver-based anti-oppression counsellor, works with queer and trans clients, including many folks from sex-positive communities such as BDSM and non-monogamy, polyamory and relationship anarchy. “I’m seeing this [increased desire] both in my clients, and in social media. Cruising apps, including queer apps like Grindr, and Lex, a queer-woman- and trans-centred cruising app, are very busy,” they say.

Swiping was already a national pastime but, now, our thumbs are working overtime. Dating app Bumble announced that these past few weeks they’ve seen a 42% spike in adoption amongst Generation Z users, along with a 36% increase in messages sent and a 21% increase in Bumble Video Call usage.

Blame it on our evolutionary impulses. “It makes sense in times of uncertainty for us to want our genes to carry on: Even when we’re having non-reproductive sex, sex drive is connected with reproduction,” De Roo says. “Or, look at it from a spiritual perspective and recognize that sex is deeply life-affirming and connecting. Whatever the reason, there’s a long-documented history of humans becoming more amorous under conditions like this.” The 9/11 attacks, for example, resulted in a surge in horniness among many in the populace, while baby booms often occur in U.S. areas prone to hurricane warnings.

Lust is a direct response to the current state of emergency we’re enduring, according to Edmonton-based psychologist Tami-lee Duncan of Transcend Psychological. “In many ways, feelings are like energy—they can neither be created nor destroyed, but rather are transformed. Emotions are often redirected or misunderstood: Intensity can be misinterpreted as passion and that persistent, low buzz of anxiety we’re all feeling can be redirected into desire.”

Living through such an unsettling period means a lot of heightened, primal emotions, and their accompanying physical feelings (like, say, a racing heart) can make you horny, too. “Fear causes physiological arousal, which can intensify sensation and urgency, making for some pretty engaging sex,” Duncan says.

When stress is sexy

Corporate communications manager Carissa, 35, who is straight, thinks her recent thirst correlates with an increase in anxiety and urgency at work. “It was around when repercussions of the virus began creeping into my assignments. I became aggressive about turning matches and conversations on dating apps into in-person dates,” she says. She also started masturbating more.

“For some people, heightened stress will heighten their arousal response,” says Canadian sex and relationships researcher Dr. Kristen Mark, director of the sexual health promotion lab at the University of Kentucky. “In times of uncertainty, it can be helpful to experience the calming effect that sexual arousal and orgasm has.”

Orgasms, in particular, offer a bounty of self-care, according to Duncan. There’s the  huge blast of dopamine (the happy neurotransmitter), endorphins (the brain’s natural version of an opiate) and serotonin (the neurotransmitter responsible for mood and relaxation), she says, as well as engagement of the parasympathetic nervous system, which is essential to self-soothing.

On her apps, Carissa says conversations that stalled months ago are now being restarted—by the men. She’s not responding, though: “I’m not here to entertain them when they’re freaked out about suddenly having to spend time with their own thoughts.”

All fear the sex drought

We always want what we can’t have. Bisexual editor Maris, 43, has experienced intense arousal during this time (and has the orgasm track record to prove it). She chalks it up to scarcity. “Before, you could make plans with someone, and that would somehow satiate it a bit, like, knowing that you would be dealing with it would take the edge off. But you can’t do that. For all we know, we’ll be self-isolating for months, so it just ends up feeling like this looming thing.”

According to De Roo, “There’s likely going to be a feeling of sexual scarcity for many as our in-person interactions become more and more restricted.”

Of course, single people or those separated from their sexual partners due to social distancing will be most impacted by this. Maris says this has led to many of her ex-partners trying their luck lately: “The number of exes that have come crawling out of the woodwork, you know, ‘just to check in!’ I hadn’t been on the apps in ages, which I’m pretty sure means my profile sits way at the back in swiping land, and, all of a sudden, I was getting so many notifications like ‘X new people think you’re a catch.’”

According to Caleb, a 28-year-old gay designer, “In the past when the thirst level has hit these heavenly highs, I could have a dude ringing my buzzer in under 10 minutes. Now the only guys coming to my door are UberEats delivery-men who ask me to remove my own food from their bag.” For now, he makes do with planning his first post-quarantine hook-up—however far off that may be—and, he says, “as everyone in isolation has already acknowledged, jacking off approximately 85 times a day is just the new normal.”

The other epidemic

Many have fallen victim to the bored-horny phenomenon. “I quite literally masturbate out of pure boredom. I’M SO HORNY ALL THE TIME,” says Sammy, 25, a straight marketing consultant. “How am I dealing with this? By changing the batteries in my vibrator often,” she says. “I have to get my dopamine somehow: I’m lonely and all cooped up in the house with almost nothing to do.”

Many people are not working or have reduced work hours right now. Schools are closed. Social gatherings are cancelled for the foreseeable future. The pandemic has slowed life’s pace for many of us, leaving us with nothing but time on our hands. And sometimes having that space allows us to fill it with things we’ve neglected when we’ve been maniacally busy.

Trans bisexual novelist Corinne, 32, wonders if her libido has increased because she’s alone more now. “I don’t usually let that happen, so maybe I don’t think much about what it’s like to be in my body (which is something I try and avoid both consciously and subconsciously, thanks to being a transsexual and dysphoria). There’s something about stillness. I have been in motion my whole adult life in one way or another, and having nothing to do for the first time in, like, nearly two decades probably forces me to be present and listen to what my body is hungering for more than usual.”

“Since this pandemic started it’s like someone’s been piping cock-loving photons into my room,” she adds, revealing she has been masturbating all the time.

Arousal is up, morale is down

In addition to the fact that you may be unable to sate your desires, perennial pandemic horniness can have some potential negative effects on your mental health. First off, touch deprivation is real—and awful. “For people who are single or not isolated with their partner, the challenge of lack of physical touch during a pandemic can be difficult,” Mark says. This lack of physical connection can have devastating consequences, as the temptation to go out and get some may overpower our desire to do the right thing, social distancing-wise.

Up until now, De Roo says, most sexual risk assessment has focused on our own personal factors…but that’s going to need to shift. “There are bigger factors than ‘is this person worth getting sick for?’ We’re going to have to acknowledge that we all have a responsibility to reduce community contagion, regardless of our personal risk factors, and act accordingly. And that’s harder to do when your body is surging with desire!”

Your physical well-being isn’t the only thing at risk. It’s hard to be isolated and it’s natural to feel lonely and crave connection, but it’s still important to be careful, Duncan cautions. “Times like these can lead to riskier sexual behaviour, not just in regard to disease transmission—including COVID-19 and STIs—but also in making emotionally unhealthy choices,” she says. This could be anything from reaching out to an ex to having sex without protection or having more casual encounters than you’d normally be comfortable with. Straight mother Sarah, 37, for example, just got back together with her ex-boyfriend—despite the fact that, not too long ago, he dumped her and moved all his stuff out of their apartment in the middle of the night. On New Year’s Eve. Which is her birthday.

“A health crisis of this proportion is deepening a sense of unity in the world, which is wonderful. But in the romantic sphere, there is the risk of overestimating or inflating the sense of connection to someone, which can possibly lead to unhealthy, inappropriate or unsustainable bonds,” Duncan says. “So it’s also important to monitor emotional attachments.”

The silver lining

But being perennially, painfully horny can also be a good thing. To be horny is to be hopeful. “Sexual pleasure and orgasm feels good, reduces stress and helps us feel connected with our bodies,” De Roo says. “And sexual contact with someone else, whether it’s in real life or in virtual space, can help us feel connected in a time when we may be feeling more isolated.”

If we’re still horny, we’re still hungering for experience, for connection. We’re still alive.

*Names have been changed to protect the ultra-horny.

The post Pandemic Making You Horny? Here’s Why appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

ICYMI, it’s 2020 and the “you up” text from your ex has officially been replaced: In the time of COVID-19, the hottest new booty call is the “hope you’re staying healthy” text. Received one recently? It turns out, you’re not alone. While everyone is taking this time to physically distance, a ton of exes are also taking the time to try to reconnect with former partners.

Not only were Gossip Girl actor Chace Crawford and his ex, Rebecca Rittenhouse, recently spotted going for a physically distanced stroll together, but users on Twitter have been detailing their own experiences of exes sliding in to their DMs, popping up on Facebook Messenger, and hovering on their Instagram Lives.

Honestly, it’s a pandemic of its own. Not to mention, kind of perplexing? We’re in the middle of a major health emergency, so why is my ex sliding into my DMs?

Well, it turns we shouldn’t be *too* surprised if we see a message from “DO NOT TEXT BACK” pop up on our screen. Nicole McCance—a relationship expert and registered psychologist—says she’s not at all shocked to hear that exes are sliding their way back into old partner’s inboxes during this period of physical distancing. Mainly, because it’s one of the only tangible ways we have to cope with the uncertainty around us. With COVID-19 shutting down all “non-essential” services (which is defined province by province), “all of our coping strategies and distractions we usually turn to—[whether it’s] going to the gym, drinks with friends, etc.—are not accessible right now,” McCance says via email. “Most people are home alone, sitting with their thoughts, [and] that’s not usually a good thing.”

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It’s not hyperbolic to say that it’s scary out there. “The truth is if we leave our houses our lives could be threatened,” McCance says. “Whenever it comes to life or death situations, I think it does put things into perspective.” And with your ex-beaus already concerned for the safety of their family and friends, it’s not *too* out of the blue that they’d think about other people who’ve meant a lot to them. Including their exes. “People have more time to think and process right now than ever before. Maybe they are coming to their senses about what matters,” McCance continues. “They may be taking stock and wanting their future to look different than their past, after realizing that life is short.”

But regardless of their intentions, what’s important is that during this time, you’re taking care of yourself and protecting your heart. So what do you do if your ex does inevitably slide into those DMs? McCance has some tips.

If this person is *not* good for you, do everything in your power to ignore them

First of all, it’s important to consider who the person is and what their effect on you was and probably continues to be. If said ex is a super jerky person, whose presence is unhealthy and ultimately won’t make you feel better (when you know, you know), there are a few ways to curtail yourself from responding or inviting more conversation. First, reach out to a close friend and speak to them before replying to your ex. “They may talk some sense into you and remind you of why you broke up”—something that we can tend to easily forget, McCance says, especially in the most dire of situations.

If that doesn’t help? Think a little bit to the future and the potential consequences of inviting someone back into your life. While it may be hard to picture when this period of physical distancing will end, think of yourself on the other end of this pandemic. “When life goes back to normal will you regret speaking to them?” McCance asks.

And if the answer is yes, the best way to stop yourself from hitting send? “Keep yourself as busy as possible,” McCance says. As cheesy as it may sound, all of this time to yourself presents the perfect opportunity to date yourself.  That could be everything from taking the time to make home-made meals and take bubble baths, to taking part in virtual therapy and journalling. “If you focus on personal growth during this down time you will only find a better partner later, since you will know your worth even more,” McCance says.

Regardless of what you do, the key is to stay busy. “Organize your house, write that blog you’ve always wanted to write, go for a walk, paint your nails,” McCance says. “Do anything, except respond.”

But if you are looking to hook-up virtually—that’s totally cool, too

Hey, not every relationship ends on a bad note! For those whose exes come with limited baggage (LOL, is that even a thing?), or people who are just comfortable engaging with a past lover, it’s totally OK to virtually reconnect with an old boo. You just have to make sure you’re clear about what you want—and what this is. “I think being really clear that you don’t want to get back together and there is no future, but you are both supporting each other through this crazy time, is important,” McCance says.

Above all, be honest with yourself. McCance advises checking in with numero uno (a.k.a you) and making sure that you’ll be able to cut ties once life goes back to normal (whenever that may be). And if you determine you still want to reignite that old flame, be it for emotional or more *ahem* physical *ahem* support (hey, safe sexting can do wonders), just make sure you’re fully aware of potential consequences. While re-connecting now can help pass the time and help you feel less lonely in the moment, “once this is all over and life goes back to normal, you may have regrets that you reached out [to an ex],” McCance warns.

Whatever you decide, don’t beat yourself up

If you do decide to hit “reply” to that text, the most important thing to remember is, as McCance emphasizes: “Don’t be hard on yourself right now.” We’re living in a time where there really are no rules; and that includes when it comes to dating.

“I think this time is so unprecedented that whatever you need to do to self-soothe and feel calm, just do it,” she continues. “Don’t judge yourself. You can make better choices later when the world is back to normal and you have your life back.”

With limited access to most of the things we love, including our friends, family, fresh air and IRL experiences, “I think if it brings you comfort reaching out to someone you used to love—do it.”

The post We’re in the Middle of a Pandemic, So Why Is My Ex Sliding Into My DMs? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Just because many people globally are being advised to work from home doesn’t mean that working’s the *only* thing they’ll be doing—and the city of New York knows that. Health officials realize that in times of crisis—or, TBH, boredom—people will turn to one thing to destress: sex.

And why wouldn’t they? Consensual sex is fun, releases tons of endorphins, burns calories (you are supposed to move your body once a day for mental health, after all) and can make you feel emotionally closer to your partner. These are all great things, if sex is practiced safely. The catch? With the spread of COVID-19, safe sex means more than just using contraception. The New York City government has released an advisory outlining safe sexual practices in the time of coronavirus. And we should *all* be taking note.

And don’t worry: You can still have sex, just with some extra precautions and considerations.

Have sex with those physically close to you

Because COVID-19 can be spread through direct contact with saliva or mucus, NYC health advises that any hanky-panky should go down with a partner or person who is physically close to you—meaning someone you live with. “Having close contact—including sex–with only a small circle of people helps prevent spreading COVID-19,” the guidelines say. This means that you should avoid close contact—and sex—with anyone outside your household. So, apologies to your regular booty call, but unless they’ve been self-isolating *with* you, they’ll have to wait until IRL contact is OK again. (There’s always FaceTime though!) If you do have sex with partners outside your isolation pod, make sure it is a very small group. 

For individuals in the sex-work industry, the guidelines also advise that anyone who meets sex partners online or makes a living this way should take a break from in-person dates. “Video dates, sexting or chat rooms may be options for you.”

Rimming is a no-go right now

While it’s always important to be safe when you have sex, the guidelines emphasize that now more than ever, condoms and dental dams are our friends, as they can reduce contact with saliva or feces, especially during oral and anal sex.

Into rimming? That’s fun but unfortunately might not be the safest thing to do right now, as the virus can be in your partner’s feces and enter your mouth via the act. Which would decidedly *not* be fun.

Feeling unwell? No sexy time

And as much as you may want to blow off steam with your live-in partner, if either of you isn’t feeling well, the best thing to do is abstain. It may suck now, but you’ll be thankful later.

Masturbation is your BFF

And finally, per the guidelines: “You are your safest sex partner.” In a precarious time like now, masturbation is 100% the safest way to have sex. Just make sure you wash your hands and your sex toys with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and afterward (which, TBH, is good practice *anytime* you have sex or masturbate).

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What better time than now to get *in touch* with your body and find out what works best for you? Not only are you guaranteed a good time, but this way, when this period of self-isolation is over, you can take what you’ve learned about yourself and teach it to your future partner or partners. Which will lead to orgasms all around—great for everyone involved and will surely be much needed after getting through this.

And wash your damn hands

This goes for anytime really. But please, please, please wash your hands. There are so many fun songs to sing while doing it!

The post We Should All Be Following the NYC Coronavirus Guide to Safe Sex appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

We are undoubtedly living in strange and scary times right now with the global pandemic that is COVID-19, and things are changing rapidly. So far, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau declared that effective March 18, Canada will bar foreign citizens from entering the country. Ontario and Alberta announced a state of emergency, and many schools, restaurants and businesses across the country have closed.

All of these measures have been put in place to further encourage everyone to do their part in stopping the spread of the virus (or, “flattening the curve,” as they say) by practising social distancing and avoiding close contact with other people as much as possible.

Essentially, we’re all going to be staying at home for the next little while (seriously guys, STAY AT HOME), and that means those of us who share a living space with others will be spending a LOT more time with our roommates, be it friends, a romantic partner, siblings…you get the picture.

For those of us who have the luxury of working from home, this means a little recalibrating of our work days and set-ups, while keeping our partners in mind and adapting to their needs as well. Yes, it can seem daunting and stressful (I’m typing this forward-facing my partner right now who is also working on his laptop, and wondering if we really are going to be able to make it through this), but there are some strategies we can employ to get through this transition with a bit more ease. Because, honestly, we really don’t need more stress right now, amirite?

Do an audit of the tasks at hand and create a shared schedule

First thing’s first? Map out what needs to be done in your work day, and the impact those tasks will have on the people around you.

“Audit what kind of work you have, and then discuss with your living partner how you can work around each other as much as possible to be able to accommodate those times which may be disruptive or distracting to the other person,” suggests Toronto-based productivity coach Clare Kumar. For example, if you have to engage in work calls throughout the day, you’ll want to figure out how to isolate yourself from the other person (more on that later) so your conversations are private enough and not disruptive to them either.

Rachel Spencer, a Toronto-based YouTuber who works from home on the regular with her boyfriend, says she finds it helpful to know her boyfriend’s workload for the day, and vice versa.

“It helps to keep both of you on track, even if you’re not in the same industry,” she says. “Sometimes my boyfriend will have specific meetings, and I tell him I have a deadline for a video. It helps set boundaries a bit better because I know if my boyfriend has a huge deadline, I won’t be bothering him as much throughout the day.”

David Ip Yam and Lindsey Ostrosser, relationship facilitators and the co-founders of Relationship Zen, say it’s important to block out time for specific tasks, including breaks, in order to avoid conflicting schedules. For example, having one person cook while the other is on a conference call in the same space may not be the best for productivity.

If you live with a romantic partner, it’s also important to plan out what parts of the day you’ll spend together and what parts you’ll spend in separate rooms. “Working from home is particularly challenging for couples because relationships are successful when there’s a delicate balance between autonomous freedom and intimate connection,” Ip Yam says. The duo recommends building a schedule based on both parties’ preferences.

Get creative when creating space

Many of us live in small spaces, and attempting to work and co-habitate in tight quarters can be really, really challenging. Since not everyone has a home office space, this probably means some rejigging of your living quarters so you’re not working from the couch or from bed all day, which not only may halt productivity (ahem, makes it way too easy to take a nap) but can also be bad for your body.

Ideally, you’ll want to spend at least some of the day separate from your living partner (read: be in different rooms) to avoid distractions, especially if one of you is working and the other is not. But, if this isn’t possible, there are some ways to still create your own space. If you have two desks, try using a bookshelf as a divider, says Rachel Delduca, a Toronto-based certified professional organizer and owner of Living in Harmony.

“Turn the bookcase so it stands between the two spaces, then add your favourite books and plants so it will look like a design feature and not a divider meant for work separation,” she says.

If there is only one desk (or none) available, Kumar says to try to reimagine uses for the items you do have in your home—like using the kitchen table as another desk, or a kitchen counter as a standing desk.

“[This gives you] a couple of options you can switch between which will keep you feeling interested in your workplace from the physicality perspective and give you different opportunities for different places to work,” she says.

However, Kumar does stress the importance of ensuring that working from home doesn’t give you long-term health implications, especially if your work space isn’t ergonomically optimal. Try to have your elbow at 90 degrees and elevate your screen, if possible, so you’re not straining your neck. (A stack of books or magazines does the trick.)

If creating physical separation is not an option, Delduca suggests facing away from the other person to avoid distractions. And when it comes to conference calls, noise-cancelling headphones are key. “[That way], you can talk freely, [especially] if there are confidentiality issues as well,” she explains.

And if worse comes to worst, Spencer suggests using the bathroom to take calls to avoid any distractions from either party. “It may sound silly, but it’s beneficial to have that closed door,” she says.

(Just make sure your living partner doesn’t actually need to use the bathroom at said time.)

… and while you’re at it, rejig your space to make it productivity-friendly

Typically, we think of home as a place for unwinding and relaxation, not work, which can impact our productivity. Delduca says it’s important to make it a priority to create a space where everyone in the household can do their best work. That means focusing on organization and cleanliness, especially if you have a small space.

“There is no way to stay motivated or concentrated if your space is a mess,” she says. “Go through your items one by one, and determine what the item’s function is and if it deserves space in your life.”

The next step would be to make your space beautiful, whatever that means to you.

“It’s a space you must feel motivated in,” she explains. “Give it your personal flare. I try to evoke feelings of simplicity, peace and inspiration in my space.” Some ways to brighten up your space is to add fresh flowers, plants, candles, anything that sparks some joy and happiness.

Set boundaries between work-life and home-life

Ip Yam and Ostrosser stress that boundaries between work and home life are especially important for keeping a romantic relationship healthy.

“Especially in the context of shared WFH, you risk neutralizing the potential for excitement and intimacy…unless of course you find your partner’s work to be really sexy,” Ostrosser says.

They suggest scheduling both individual and together time, and putting it in a calendar to keep those boundaries clear. Some “together” activities could include playing board games, making new meals together, laughing together and doubling down on daily gratitude. “Each night we make time to tell each other what we are grateful for,” Ip Yam says. “It’s a good practice to help encourage positive conversations for yourself and your relationship.”

And finally, Ip Yam and Ostrosser say to remember that boundaries look different for everyone ranging from the material (like keeping the phone away), physical (working from a specific desk in the house), mental (reading for leisure), and emotional/spiritual. Be mindful of what’s important for you and your partner.

Be respectful of each other’s needs, sensitivities and triggers

Here’s the catch: As great as structure and boundaries are, it sometimes doesn’t work for everyone. Stephanie J. Marshall, a transformational life coach based in Toronto, says unfortunately our brains are better at setting intentions than actually following through, and we need to recognize and be prepared for that.

“There is not a one-size-fits-all for how to work at home,” she explains. “Some people can create and follow through with a rigid schedule, others will fare better if they begin with a list. Some people can work in pyjamas, others can’t. People have different drivers.”

If your living partner’s WFH style varies greatly from yours, it’s important to be mindful of what works for them, too, and to try to practice non-judgment to avoid any arguments. Sure, if your partner is watching Netflix on the couch while you’re trying to work, that may seem annoying, but perhaps that is what they need in the moment (especially during these stressful times).

Clear communication is key here. “When there is a change in the relationship, it’s important to talk about what this could mean for your relationship,” Ostrosser says. A few conversation prompts she and Ip Yam suggest include respectfully negotiating expectations for your living partner as soon as possible to avoid miscommunication, talking about how each of you personally react to change, and talking about how each of you can challenge and support each other through the change.

Kumar says the general rule of thumb is to be sensitive to the most sensitive person in the household. “If you’ve got someone who’s really bothered by clutter and you don’t give a hoot, try to make an effort to tidy your space up…even if that means using boxes to gather things rather than have everything spill over,” she explains. “A lot of mess could be triggering that person’s nervous system, giving them chronic stress, and we’re trying to avoid being stressed out in a situation like this.”

“It is important to recognize that the transition to working from home is difficult not because people are lazy or undisciplined, but because it requires different habits,” says Marshall. “You need to approach [WFH] with curiosity. Be flexible with your systems as you learn what works for you and your living partner, but be ruthlessly honest too. At the end of every day, ask yourself and each other what worked, what didn’t and what you can (and will) do differently.”

The post How to WFH When You Live With a Roommate or Partner appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

If Lizzo is right and we really are our own soulmates, it’s time to seriously re-evaluate the way we’re getting ourselves off. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, there’s really no better time to make a date night with yourself and do some, ahem, field research.

“Your sexual pleasure is a journey, not a destination,” says Toronto-based sexual health and consent educator Samantha Bitty. “What got you off in 2010 might not get you off in 2020.” Translation: try new things.

It’s also important to rethink what self-pleasuring really means for you, she stresses. When we think about masturbation, we often only think about genitals, says Bitty, but there are so many other erogenous zones on the body to explore. Another major reason why society needs to broaden its definition of self-pleasuring: For many folks, including some people living with physical disabilities, those who have experienced sexual trauma or body dysmorphia, or who are undergoing surgeries, genitalia isn’t a place associated with pleasure.

“Maybe brushing your hair feels good, or touching your mouth, nipples, elbows or knees,” Bitty says. Don’t be afraid to explore different stimuli, too, like feathers or clamps. “I invite everyone to just feel themselves up and see what actually turns you on. The same way we receive messages saying ‘don’t do it,’ we can also get messages from our bodies saying ‘this is how you do it.’”

Masturbation is also key to consent culture, says Bitty. According to Planned Parenthood, touching yourself helps you figure out what you like sexually, which then helps you to more easily identify if something isn’t right for you in a partnered situation. Plus, research shows that masturbation helps you sleep better, reduces stress and improves your self-esteem.

To avoid getting bored with your self-satisfaction routine, keep things exciting! If you’ve had the same vibrator for 15 years, you may be missing out (technology has come a long way, friends).

With that in mind, here are six toys and accessories to have some fun with while you explore. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed!

For the environmentally-conscious:

Made from specially toughened, non-porous glass, this eco-friendly double-ended dildo is ideal for internal stimulation and external massage (just don’t forget the lube).

Unbound Gem, $46, unboundbabes.com

For the tech enthusiast:

This magical toy, with six intensity levels, uses suction and air waves to lead to multiple orgasms. It’s also waterproof and has a very convenient silent mode.

Womanizer Pro40, $139, womanizer.com

For the sensualist:

Explore what feels good for you with light strokes and touches using this sexy feather accessory.

Pleasure Feather, $15, goodforher.com

For the exhibitionist:

This super simple vibrator made from stainless steel has a rounded tip and offers four speeds. If you’re feeling bold, wear it around your neck with the included 26” chain.

Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace, $95, amazon.ca

For the traveler:

Waterproof and travel-friendly, this trusted powerful wand offers three intensity levels as well as three vibration patterns. It’s also free from BPA, phthalate and latex.

Vibratex Mystic Wand, $90, venusenvy.ca

For the multi-tasker:

Featuring a tip that has a curved side and a flat side, this compact G-spot vibrator does double duty as a clitoral massager.

Lelo Gigi 2, $179, lelo.com

For the romantic:

This hypoallergenic lubricating gel is made with naturally derived ingredients like peppermint oil and menthol to increase arousal and stimulation without glycerin or parabens.

Sliquid Organics Stimulating O Gel, $24, sliquid.com

The post We Got Self-Pleasuring Tips from a Sex Educator appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Orgasms. Whether you’re a frequent flier or they’re hard to come by (sorry, that will be my only cum pun, I promise), there are many paths that lead to orgasm for women… but they all depend on one thing: Your clitoris. If you haven’t spent much time thinking about yours, no worries. When you get a chance, investigate. And if you’re intimately acquainted, then *you know*.

So, why is the clitoris so important?

How the female orgasm works

The vagina is a complex part of the body, and so is the clitoris. Did you know it’s not just external but internal? (I didn’t.) It’s not just “the glans (the part that is visible),” says Dr. Jen Gunter, OB-GYN, Goop adversary and author of the upcoming book, The Vagina Bible. “The entire clitoris is a much larger structure that is intimate with the urethra and close to the vaginal walls.” When your body is sexually stimulated, your muscles clench up, your skin may feel flushed and your breathing and heart rate increase. This builds to a climax that erupts—a.k.a. the orgasm—as the muscles of your vagina, clitoris and anus contract and spasm. And don’t forget your brain! During orgasm, women get a flood of dopamine (a pleasure neurotransmitter tied to the “reward centre” of our brain) as well as oxytocin (the so-called “love hormone” that promotes closeness and intimacy). The release and relaxation you feel after an orgasm is as much chemical as it is physical.

Are there different types of orgasms?

No, according to Gunter. “There are not different types of female orgasm, there are different ways to achieve orgasm,” she says. And the clitoris is key. “Studies suggest that clitoral stimulation is the required step… so whether you achieve clitoral stimulation via masturbation, vaginal penetration or anal sex, it is all resulting in some kind of clitoral stimulation either directly or indirectly.”

What about the G-spot?

Ah, the G-spot. More mysterious than the clitoris and much harder to find, historically. But what is it, exactly? And where, again? “The G-spot is a misnomer. [It] is not a specific gland or discrete structure, it is part of the clitoris that we can’t see [and] is very intimate with the urethra,” Gunter says. “For many women, this can be stimulated vaginally by pressing upwards. But depending on engorgement and exact positioning of the tissue (remember, we are all built different), pressure or stimulation will be very good for some women and less stimulating for others.”

What can hinder orgasms?

While there are some common denominators that can make it harder for a woman to orgasm—“Medications can impact orgasm; antidepressants and opioids are common ones. Depression can also have an impact on sexual functioning,” Gunter explains—it’s a really personal cocktail, that depends on personality, chemistry and physical make-up. The one thing to remember is, it’s so much more than penis + vagina = orgasm. “Belief that orgasm has to come from penile penetration or inadequate foreplay are big reasons for lack of orgasm for many heterosexual women,” says Gunter.“Many women also need a vibrator to orgasm, and that is just fine.” Remember, the journey is just as important as the final destination. And there’s no “right” way to get there!

How can you orgasm easier?

Figure out what you like—explore your body through masturbation, vibrators, pornography and sex toys. (It’s your orgasm, so you should know how to get there on your own.) And when you’re with a partner, be vocal. They should want to know what you like and you should feel empowered to tell them. “Some women may be able to achieve enough clitoral stimulation/engorgement through vaginal penetration or anal play to achieve orgasm and others may not. It doesn’t matter how you achieved the orgasm, what matters is, Did you have an orgasm that worked for you, and was the experience pleasurable?” Embroider that on a cute little cross-stitch, please!

So, what’s the one thing people should understand about orgasms?

As Gunter says, “Sex should be fun. The goal is pleasure. It is like a party. Doesn’t matter if you took a limo, bus or walked to the party. Did you have fun?”

Related:

What Does a “Normal” Vagina Look Like, Anyway?
These Are the Best Sex Toys on the Market in 2019
How *Not* to Slide Into Someone’s DMs

The post Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Orgasms appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

You know the feeling: you’re in the middle of a passionate hookup, and your muscles start to tense. Your breathing gets heavy as waves of pleasure pulse throughout your body. As the feeling intensifies, you may start to shake and sweat. The moment just before euphoria hits, you suddenly blurt out “holy f-ck” as you come.

Congratulations—you just swore during sex.

According to Dr. Timothy B. Jay, a psychology professor at the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts, shouting out profanities during an orgasm is perfectly normal. “It’s an emotional response some people emote sort of involuntarily,” he says. “Around orgasms, people might say things they’re not fully aware of, or it can be a habit that they do when they get excited.”

But why does “f-ck!” come out of our mouths when we f-ck? There isn’t one definitive answer, but experts say there’s a few reasons why.

Many of us learn to swear during sex

“Swearing is mainly the language of emotion,” Jay explains. “A lot of people use it as a way to either get out their own passion, or communicate passion to their partner.”

Unlike inborn expressions like grunting, crying and screaming, swearing is something that we learn to do as we develop, Jay says. If you were raised in a household where curse words were forbidden, you might not have learned to use them to express intense emotions, good or bad. Instead, you might use “holy cow” or “heck.” But if “shit,” “damn” and “f-ck” were words you heard growing up (or heard in movies), they’re likely a part of your lexicon as an adult. So even though cursing when you orgasm feels as natural as a moan, it’s actually a conditioned response.

“Our ability to swear is not innate,” Jay reiterates. “You have to learn how to do it.”  

…But biology is at play, too 

Before we blame Sex and the City reruns, it’s important to note that both sex and swearing tie into the same part our brains, says Daniel Almeida, a PhD candidate specializing in neuroscience and psychiatry at McGill University. While swearing is something we learn to do, once humans understand curse words, our instinct to drop an f-bomb comes from the same place an orgasm does.

“Research shows that swearing might involve brain structures that are not the same as regular language,” says Almeida. “Swearing is probably in a deeper part our brain known as the limbic system.”

The limbic system is the part of the brain that controls our instincts and emotions, explains Almeida. Within the limbic system is a smaller area of the brain known as the hypothalamus. When you climax, Almeida says, the hypothalamus releases endorphins. The hypothalamus (our climax control centre) is also where our instinct to swear comes from. Translation? When you reach orgasm, you might have an urge to swear. Thanks, brain.

Swearing heightens emotions

Just like an orgasm, swearing can also make you feel real good. “Swearing enhances our emotions—whatever they might be,” says Dr. Emma Byrne, author of Swearing Is Good for You. According to her research, swearing is an emotional “intensifier” humans use in both negative and positive situations—including sex.

“Swearing gives you an increased heart rate and more adrenaline courses through your nervous system,” she says. “So, if you’re feeling aroused and happy, you are going to intensify that with feeling with swearing.”

Bottom line? Swearing during sex is totes normal, and if you’re into it, you should yell f-ck from the rooftops.

Related:

“It Varies Between Having Sex, F-cking & Making Love”: 8 Millennial Women on Their Sex Lives
Cuffing Season Is Here—Have You Gotten Tested for STIs?
The 7 Best Vibrators to Try, If You’re Sorta Shy About Trying One 

The post Why the F-ck Do We Swear During Sex? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

When it comes to divisive holidays, Valentine’s Day has to be a top pick for the most controversial. While the origins around Valentine’s day are a little murky (Saint Valentine is rumoured to have been a priest who performed marriage ceremonies for lovers in secret, a bishop who was beheaded by a Roman Emperor and an imprisoned man who actually sent the first “valentine” greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl who visited him during his confinement), all legends emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic and romantic figure. But what some believe originally started as a day to commemorate his death has been co-opted by consumerism and turned into a mega-monster of all that is red, pink and chocolate-y. And while some people are entirely here for using February 14 to go all out, showering their loved ones with gifts and public displays of affection…

For others, the holiday—and all the romantic dates and OTT gifts that go along with it—can elicit a pretty different reaction:

And can we really blame them? In the super-industry that Valentine’s Day has become, it can sometimes feel like all originality and IRL sentimentality has left the building. (Seriously, I can’t own another pink stuffed bear and they know me by name at Olive Garden). As FLARE writer Anne Thériault so aptly summarized it: “Somehow ‘love’ has become synonymous with ‘buying your partner an oversized teddy bear that will collect dust in a closet for five years before being donated to Goodwill’ and ‘trying to get a reservation at a nice restaurant, where, in spite of said reservation, you will still have to spend half an hour sitting at the bar waiting for a table, and by the time you’re finally ready to order food you will be embarrassingly tipsy.'” And the pressures of V-Day can feel even worse for those of us who aren’t in a relationship.

But fear not! We’ve rounded up the best Valentine’s Day ideas to ensure that every time you hear “February 14” you won’t respond like someone’s just told you it’s Friday the 13th:

From low-key friend activities to romantic AF date nights, we have Valentine’s Day ideas for any and all situations; whether you’re single, coupled up or somewhere in the middle.

For when you want to keep Valentine’s Day seriously low-key

Maybe you’ve been with your partner for years, or maybe you’re just the kind of couple who’d prefer to stay in rather than deal with freezing temps and long restaurant waits. If you’re looking for a simple Valentine’s Day idea, look no further than your own couch. V-Day is the perfect time to sit back, relax and spend some quality time with your S.O. while doing what you do best: watching trashy films.

Our simple Valentine’s Day date night idea? Throw on some terrible rom-coms (or some so-cheesy-they’re-cute ones, like the To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before sequel, coming to Netflix Canada on February 12), pop some popcorn and heckle (or most likely cry) your hearts out. For some added fun, buy some cocktail-or mocktail-making materials (plus some literature, like Free the Tipple: Kickass Cocktails Inspired by Iconic Women, $17 on Amazon) and perfect your mixing skills. Best themed drink wins!

Plus, you could end the night like this

…with the added bonus of falling into your bed (and not a drunken Uber ride) afterwards.

For when your gals (or pals) are the real loves of your life

If Jennifer Lopez’s star-making turn in Hustlers hasn’t already convinced you that pole dancing is a) a serious feat of athleticism and b) something you need to do, then let us convince you—you need to try it. And what better time than on Valentine’s Day with your BFFs?

Both pole dancing and burlesque classes have been popping up across the country over the past few years. From Vancouver Burlesque Co. in its namesake city to Strut Fitness & Dance in Calgary AB (where drop-in pole classes are $26) and workshops from Toronto’s Hot in Heels, there are tons of options for people at every level. This is the perfect Valentine’s Day idea for you and your besties, trust.

A workout, a fun bonding experience *and* the chance to get in touch with your bod and feel sexy AF? We love that for you.

This could—and should—be you:

For the adventurous couples looking for *actually* unique Valentine’s Day ideas

While this unique Valentine’s Day idea might sound like a literal nightmare to some people, for those of us who are truly adventurous at heart—and have a partner who is the same type of bonkers—then we have the perfect date for you. Nothing says “I love you and will do anything with you” like taking an improv or comedy class with your significant other. Comedy clubs like Toronto’s Second City offer drop-in improv classes for as low as $15 (plus, there’s an improv for anxiety drop-in class to accommodate people who may not be as comfortable with putting themselves out there in front of strangers).

For when you want a legit romantic Valentine’s Day

This one is for the romantics at heart. Looking to go all out this V-Day? Here’s a super romantic Valentine’s Day idea: plan a mini-vacay! A romantic getaway can look however you’d like it to, depending on the amount of time you have and your budget. Maybe it’s a weekend away in wine country at a super cute Airbnb, an overnight stay in the great outdoors that includes hiking, or maybe it just means turning off your cell phones and exploring your own city like tourists. The point is to spend time with your S.O.

For the couple who’s still getting to know each other

Coming up with first Valentine’s Day ideas can be hard. You’re trying to really get to know your new partner, while still trying to impress them with your ability to organize the perf date. It’s a tried-and-true date idea but if you’re looking for a way to continue connecting with your new boo, a wine and paint night is the way to go.

You don’t have to be a Picasso to have fun with this date (TBH, it’s probably better if you’re not). Pushing yourselves out of your comfort zone is a great way to bond in a relaxed environment while sipping on some delicious bevvies. (With the added bonus of a built-in memento to take home). Plus, it’s the perf excuse to riff on the iconic Titanic line: “I want you to [paint] me like one of your French girls.”

And added bonus: you can do this anywhere with a little DIY creativity. Trying to save some money this February? Pop out to your local dollar or art supply store and have a wine-and-painting night at home!

For when you want to treat yourself

Because your #1 should always be you! Whether you’re coupled up or loving being single this V-Day, it’s important to put yourself first with the ultimate Valentine’s Day idea for your single self—a relaxing spa day. Is there legitimately anything better than wrapping yourself in a fluffy robe, sitting back with a mimosa (or delish rooibois tea) and being pampered?

Head outside the city to try out the Scandinave spa (found across Canada), visit your local spa or facialist, or just purchase a luxe face mask from your local Sephora and chill at home. The world is your self-care oyster.

Take it from the experts (a.k.a. us):

For when you want to show your FWB some appreciation

Friends with benefit situations can sometimes be complicated, but at the root of the relationship is one key goal: you both want to have fun. That’s what the relationship FWB is meant to be, right? Just two buddies who get along meeting up to ensure the other has a safe and fun sexual experience. So a fun Valentine’s Day date idea only makes sense. While you could keep things in the boudoir, there are other ways to keep it light and friendly outside of it. An escape room, an IRL game where you and the other players have a limited amount of time to decipher clues and puzzles in order to escape from a themed room, isn’t just super fun, but the thrill of the game—and not to mention all that puzzle-solving—is bound to get you revved up for the ~latter~ part of the day. Because nothing’s sexier than watching the person you’re sleeping with use their brain.

And when you want to give Valentine’s Day big F-U to the day altogether

If Valentine’s Day just really isn’t your thing, why not throw up a big middle finger at the day entirely by celebrating something else: Lupercalia. An Ancient Roman festival, Lupercalia was historically held on February 15 and was supposed to banish evil spirits and promote fertility (fun stuff!). The rights included priests cutting strips of goatskin, stripping naked and running counterclockwise around the base of the hill where the cave was located.

During this mad dash, women who were trying to get pregnant would try and get in the priest’s way so they could be playfully hit with goatskin strips to help fertility. Honestly, who doesn’t want to spend the day running around in the nude?

So, go forth friends! And happy love day, however you may (or may not) celebrate it.

The post 8 Valentine’s Day Ideas That Don’t Make You Want to Walk into the Sea appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

We met in university. Became friends. Eventually started dating and fell in love. We were each other’s best friend. He was my first text in the morning, and my last before bed. When we entered the working world, we got first dibs on each other’s vacation time. We took trips everywhere from New York City to Honolulu, sharing memories scattered around the world. It was six years of bliss.

Everything was great—until it wasn’t.

I’m not quite sure when the cracks started to appear. But they were there. And then one day—after nine years of friendship, six years as a couple—we broke up. I was 28 years old, thinking I’d be married soon, and now? I felt alone.

This was me a few months ago. And it sucked. In those immediate hours, days, weeks and even months post-breakup, I couldn’t quiet my inner voice that kept asking, “What if this doesn’t happen for me again?”

Girl. Listen to me: that voice? It’s a liar.

I know that everyone copes differently, and I’m not here to give you advice on how to get over your ex or whether or not you should download Tinder. That’s a whole other article. What I can do is tell you what helped me realign my focus in the weeks following my breakup, and if you’re going through the same thing (sorry, girl), then maybe this can help.

All those things you’ve been putting off? Do them now

I was already actively saving and very close to paying off my student loans while in my relationship, but let’s face it, being in a couple made me a bit lazy. When your life is mapped out and you think your future will look a certain way, there isn’t as much impetus to aggressively tackle you things, because you’re focused on us things. But all that goes out the window with a breakup. It’s just you right now.

In the first couple weeks after my breakup, I paid off the rest of my student loans and credit card debt, went to the bank and came up with an aggressive savings and investment plan that best suited me and my financial goals. Y’all, the relief, coupled with how proud I felt, was huge. I was euphoric.

If you’re in the midst of a breakup, you will have plenty of stressful, overwhelming days. If you can eliminate some things off your life’s to-do list, it can make those days that much easier.

Listen to your gut

One of the most difficult things to process after my breakup was feeling like I had to “start over.” When you’re on a path to a very specific life scenario for so long, a detour can feel devastating.

Look, it can be hard when it seems like everyone around you is paired up, and it feels like you’re left behind—but that’s the time to focus on creating the best life for you. One of the best pieces of advice I received after my breakup came from a good friend. I had just told her about how I had a pit in my stomach because of the anxiety of starting over. All she replied with was, “so don’t.”

There is no correct timeline for all of this. You will know when it’s time to get back out there. In the meantime, replace When is it going to be my turn? with What do I want my life to look like when it is my turn? If you haven’t truthfully dealt with how you’re feeling and worked hard to make improvements where possible, believe me, entering into a relationship, let alone marriage, is the last thing you should be doing. Your worry doesn’t need to be about when, it should be about making sure you’re the best version of you for that moment.

Pick your team 

Not only are you dealing with the loss of your significant other, but you might also be dealing with the loss of your shared apartment if you lived together, family that you’ve become close with during your relationship, and even (let’s be real, sometimes especially) pets.

For me, one of the most difficult things to figure out was who got custody of our mutual friends. Knowing each other for almost 10 years, and being a couple for more than half that, we had acquired a lot of people between us. Was I now going to lose all these friendships, too? Were people going to take sides? I had to be a grown up, sit these friends down and have mildly awkward conversations about how I hoped that our friendships would remain intact. Some did, and others grew distant. It wasn’t ideal, but it was my reality. I took comfort knowing that I did what I could to ease the situation for myself.

Say “yes” to change

If you’re dealing with a breakup, I don’t need to tell you that your life is transforming. Everything is in flux right now; from your larger life plans all the way down to your daily routines. Like now I only have to buy one bag of kettle corn, instead of two, when I go to the grocery store. OK, maybe I still buy two, but now I don’t have to share (silver linings?). The goal is to stop feeling like you’re at the mercy of the changing landscape of your life, and to take charge of it.

You’re afraid that you have too much free time now? Sign up for a class that you’ve always wanted to take. You’ll learn new things and get to meet new people. I signed up for a fitness class at my old university with a friend, and the sheer fact that I was in a different environment at least two days a week felt like a boost to my system. Not to mention that exercise does wonders for your mental and physical health, but it’s a simple fact: taking care of yourself feels good. Want a change of scenery? Take a trip to that place you’ve always dreamed about. Three days after my breakup, I booked a group trip to Italy. It was completely spontaneous, totally out of my comfort zone, and most importantly, it gave me something to look forward to. Do you feel like a failure? Ask to take on more responsibility at work. The new challenge will keep your mind busy, and when (yes, when) you start excelling at it, your confidence in yourself will return.

Change begets change. If we let ourselves relax, and accept that it can be a good thing, we’ll see transformations that we never imagined possible.

Look, I don’t really know if I’m “over it” yet, and frankly, I don’t think that’s the point. Breakups suck. They force you to reevaluate everything you thought you knew. You’re sad, confused, angry, and have to continue living your life. It’s a lot. But if you’re gentle with yourself, and take your time, it will get better. Use this as a reminder that everything you’re feeling is valid and real—but it will pass. You will make it through to the other side, where more joy and love than you can imagine awaits. Promise.

Then maybe we can figure out if we should download Tinder or not.

This piece was originally published on Nov. 9, 2017.

Related: 

My Breakup Pixie Cut Was About More than Broken Hearts
Gwen Stefani’s Divorce Song + the Best New Breakup Anthems
Why Being Single Sucks: What No One Wants to Talk About
All the Celebs Couples That Have Broken up (and Broken Our Hearts) in 2017
Let’s Stop Pitying Single Women & Just Let Them Live

The post How I Moved on After Breaking up with Someone I Thought Was “The One” appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

It’s the person nobody wants to talk about: that bridesmaid in the wedding party portrait hanging on a family’s wall that their child points to and says, “Mommy, who’s that lady?” And yet, there’s probably a version of That Stranger in the Tangerine Tulle in many of our futures. For some, the fact that you’re no longer in the couple’s life may be caused from naturally drifting apart over years, for others there may be a harsh and sudden break. But for many? Well, it’s because you had no business being in that wedding in the first place.

Wanting to say “no” to being a bridesmaid is far more common an experience than the movies would have you believe. As with many things around weddings, being a bridesmaid is sold as nothing but the highest honour, a labour of love for your bestie—not to mention unadulterated, giddy fun with the girls. But a quick poll of friends revealed that most women who’d been in a wedding party (or several) could name at least one time when they were a surprised or reluctant participant. There were many reasons they cited for not wanting to be a bridesmaid (they didn’t feel like the friendship was close enough, or they just didn’t want the financial burden) but regardless of the grounds, no one felt like they could say no, thanks.

But…what if you could? I’ll be honest: That this was even an option didn’t occur to me until I was chatting with another friend of mine who breezily said she’d turned down offers multiple times—and yes, that included a time she was asked to be the maid of honour. “I just didn’t feel like I was the right person for the job,” she said nonchalantly. “I told her we just hadn’t known each other long enough and I would feel awkward playing such an important role.” She basically it’s-not-you-it’s-me’d her way out of a very tricky situation, and the best part? She’s still friends with the bride…unlike, say, this, uh, friend-of-a-friend who was once in a wedding where the ask came as a surprise because the bride was barely more than an acquaintance, and then felt like an interloper the entire process. This friend-of-a-friend also may or may not have literally not spoken to that bride since the wedding.

So, in the spirit of releasing ourselves from what we feel like we *should* do (and like, sparing people’s children from wondering who that miserable-looking woman in their parents’ wedding was), we tapped the experts for their advice on how to say no to being a bridesmaid. Dramatic friendship break-up not required.

Make your decision

Whether you can say no to being a bridesmaid is actually one of the most common questions that comes up in the online community forum run by therapist Miriam Kirmayer. If you’re someone who’s ambivalent but feeling pressure to say “yes,” Kirmayer recommends approaching it as a decision you’re making, not an obligation you have no way to decline. If your initial inclination is toward “no,” she says you’re wise to stall and take a beat to think about it—as long as you do it considerately. “Validate how meaningful it is be asked,” she advises, “express how grateful you are for your friendship, [and then] let them know that you need some time to think about it. Make sure you give them a reason so they’re not left personalizing the experience as rejection.”

…and stick to it

Saying yes because you feel pressured and then changing your mind is definitely bad form, says etiquette expert Louise Fox. She agrees that it’s better to delay your response rather than committing when you really have no intention of following through. If you’re asked in a high-pressure group setting—which is becoming more and more popular with brides pulling elaborate pop-the-question proposals—Fox suggests joining in the celebratory fun but avoiding confirming your answer in the moment: “Leave your response for another time. If you’re singled out for your decision, just say: ‘I’m thrilled to be asked but let’s meet for coffee next week to go over the details.’”

Be honest about your reasons

If your intention is to preserve the friendship, honesty will go a long way. “Be specific. Let them know your decision has little to do with your friendship, and more to do with external factors, says Kirmayer. “Highlight that you still want to be involved, and find another way to celebrate with them, like planning the bachelorette, helping curate a Pinterest board or going dress shopping with them.”

“A good friendship should not be ruined by someone’s honesty in acknowledging their inability to do the job expected,” says Fox. She reiterates that it’s OK to turn down being a bridesmaid for just about any reason, ranging from being unwilling to take on the financial burden to not having the time for it.

But be kind

Sometimes your reason for saying no to being a bridesmaid might have to do with the bride herself, whether it’s a cousin you can’t stand or a friend you no longer feel close to. In those cases, it’s better not to be brutally honest. “If your reason for declining has to do with your friend, avoid blaming them,” says Kirmayer.

“It is not necessary to go into lengthy explanations,” says Fox. And, in fact, she argues that the bride-to-be should respect that: “It’s rude to insist on [a reason],” she says.

Related:

How Much Should You *Really* Spend on a Wedding Gift?
This One Wedding Dress Has Been Worn By Four Brides—and Counting
Eco-Friendly Wedding Decor Ideas for an Even More Meaningful Day

The post How to Say No to Being a Bridesmaid appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

If it’s been a while since your partner has suggested spending Sunday morning in bed, or kissed your neck like that or, really, shown any interest between the sheets, you’re not alone.

According to a study published in the British Medical Journal, 15% of men surveyed and more than 34% of women reported a lack of interest in sex. The same study says women are almost four times more likely than men to lose interest in sex with a partner they’ve lived with for over a year.

It’s normal for even the strongest relationship to go through phases that are red hot—and ones that fizzle, says Teesha Morgan, a psychotherapist and sex therapist in Vancouver. Still, whether your relationship is just-off-Bumble new or you’re in it for the long term, it can be unsettling when a lover’s interest wanes. Here’s how to deal, and more importantly, get back to getting busy.

Why has my partner lost interest in sex?

Pinpointing a problem can be complicated, but Morgan starts by ruling out physical issues including erectile disfunction or pain during sex, which is not uncommon for women postpartum, especially if they had a traumatic vaginal birth. The addition of certain medications, like many antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, can cause libido to drop, too. “The birth control pill can also lead to that,” she says, especially for women who’ve been on the pill for years without a break.

There are also a number of psychological factors that can stall a healthy sex life. For example, maybe they’re just starting to explore #bodypositivity but are still dealing with a lot of insecurities or hang-ups. Or they don’t feel safe sharing their true needs and wants.

It’s common for people who’ve suffered abuse to have issues with libido—even if the abuse occurred in childhood. “You might think you’ve had a healthy sex life for 15 years, but something keeps popping up and it might be past abuse you haven’t dealt with,” she says.

And of course, even the best sex can get boring, if it turns into a habit. “If your routine is to watch Netflix, brush your teeth, turn off the lights and get into bed in the same positions, that’s not a fantastic recipe for desire,” says Morgan.

How do I talk to them about all the sex we’re not having?

If you’re uncomfortable having the “our sex life kinda sucks” talk face-to-face, do it sitting up in bed so you’re side-by-side. That way, you don’t actually have to make eye contact. And consider dimming the lights—chatting under the cover of darkness can be easier. (Bonus points if you are also literally under the covers.) Another safe space for tough talks in general is the car, says Morgan—assuming there are no other passengers, obvs. “You can do it when you’re driving because you can’t run away and you’re not staring at each other. You’re just kind of stuck there together, so you’re forced to keep talking” she says. “Just be sure it’s a long enough drive that you’re not going to stop and leave something hanging that’s very raw.”

Wherever you decide to do it, the most important thing is to approach the issue as a “we” problem, no matter whose libido is waning, says Morgan. When you’re doing the talking, use “I” statements to avoid finger pointing, and focus on really listening when they speak. If you’re still having trouble getting the conversation started, talk to a therapist.

3 ways to score a steamier, more connected sex life

Talk isn’t cheap, when it comes to keeping the spark alive. Open, honest communication is necessary for a healthy sex life–and it can take you to new and more satisfying places. Here’s how.

1. Think beyond the big O

You may need to expand your view of success when it comes to sex. “We don’t want to have tunnel vision on an end goal,” says Dr. Morgan. “When there’s a narrow view of success we tend to have more failure—it’s important to change that narrative.” Instead of the goal being penetrative sex, or an orgasm for both partners every time, you may want to just aim for some form of intimacy—whatever feels good in the moment. “Looking for other ways to connect is especially important if someone is sick or just had a baby, and what you used to do isn’t working right now,” she says.

You may also want to think beyond your usual sex scenario. Exploring different kinds of touch, trying new positions, or even taking a deep dive into yours or your partner’s sexual fantasies can bring back the spark. 

2. Take up mindfulness for mind-blowing sex  

Research has shown that a mindfulness practice can quiet a busy mind, take the focus off body image issues or other mood-killers and help you be truly present between the sheets. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine showed meditation can be a helpful tool for treating some types of erectile disfunction. Plus, Vancouver-based sex researcher Lori Brotto, author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire, has shown that women who are able to  report more arousal, heightened desire and more sexual satisfaction.

3. Don’t compare your sex life to your friends’

If you’re getting busy twice a month, but you think your neighbours are doing it twice a week, you may be inclined to think your sex life is lacking. “If you think everyone else is only having sex every two months, though, then you’re going to view your sex life as something wonderful because of the social comparison,” says Morgan. When it comes to frequency, forget about keeping up with the Joneses. How often you’re doing it only matters in relation to how often you want to be doing it. That’s why it’s so important to have regular check-ins with your partner.

How often you want to be hitting the sheets is bound to change over time, too. “Maybe you used to have sex four times a week, but lately it’s been four times a month,” she says. “If you’re both okay with it, then that might be fine for you right now,” she says. That doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t be back in business again soon, though. “Our sex lives are supposed to ebb and flow,” says Morgan. “That’s normal.”

Related:

Uh, Is Emotional Cheating Even a Real Thing?
What Does a “Normal” Vagina Look Like, Anyway?
Yes, You *Should* Send the First Message on Dating Apps. Here’s How

The post What to Do if Your Partner Loses Interest in Sex appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

So you haven’t slept in days, you’re living on instant noodles, you can’t remember the last time you washed your hair (or even bothered to dry shampoo) and you find yourself in your PJs at your local coffee shop, crying into your cold brew. It’s classic post-breakup behaviour—and it really is okay.

Whether you were blindsided by your split, or you were the one doing the splitting, heartbreak is heartbreak. We get it. It hurts like hell and it can seem like you’re never going to feel good or normal again. “Romantic breakups can be a very big deal,” says Sarah McCarthy, a Toronto-based psychotherapist and relationships counsellor. “It really is a huge trauma to our physiological bodies as well as our emotions.”

The good news: You will get over it… Eventually. Here are six tips to ease you through this rough patch—and help your heart to heal.

It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling

A breakup comes with a range of powerful emotions, which can include anger, confusion, resentment, sadness, regret and fear. Give yourself permission to feel them all, and the space to fully process the loss. Take the time to figure out what worked, what didn’t and why it ended. This can be particularly important if it was a bad or abusive relationship, because most people recreate the same patterns until they have enough clarity or self-awareness to break the cycle, says McCarthy. “Sometimes it means that you’re processing a lifetime of bad relationships,” she says.

Whatever went wrong, now’s the time to face it. If you don’t deal your emotions head-on, it can take even longer to recover from your breakup. “I have clients come in a year later and they can’t understand why they aren’t moving on, but it’s because they haven’t really processed it yet,” she says.

Talk it out

Sharing what you’re going through with trusted friends and family members is a key part of dealing with a breakup. They’ll help you work through your feelings, gain some perspective and hopefully a new understanding about what went down. Letting it all out will help to normalize what you’re going through, which can ease the pain. After all, these feelings aren’t totally unique – you’ll discover that most people have dealt with some type of heartbreak at one point or another.

When you get sick of talking, or you feel like your friends are sick of hearing about your ex, write it all down. Journaling is another way of downloading thoughts and feelings, and it can be really healing. And, of course, seeing a therapist is another way to work through the hurt. 

Hit up a meditation studio

Self-awareness is key. “If you already know how tender you are, how raw you are, how much pain you’re in, it’s going to be a lot easier to prioritize getting enough sleep, eating nutritiously and all the rest of the self-care activities you require,” says McCarthy.

In addition to eating well, getting to bed on time and regular sweat seshes (which will release the feel-good endorphins in your brain that you so desperately need these days), meditation can help you find your equilibrium again. Take a class, download an app, or just take a few minutes to sit and do some deep breathing.

If you need some extra support to get you through this breakup, consider downloading Mend, a self-care app that provides a healthy breakup narrative to lean into while you reflect on and learn from the experience.

Don’t use your work wife as a crutch

It might be tempting to deep dive into your career to take your mind off your personal life, but consider whether extra projects, longer-than-usual hours or extra lunches with your work wife are keeping you from actually dealing with your breakup. Becoming a workaholic is just another way of self-medicating, like excessive drinking, overeating (Ben and Jerry are not good rebound boyfriends, BTW), gambling or even extreme exercise.

Keeping busy with a certain amount of healthy distractions—at the office, with a new book club, or at a yoga studio, for example—is positive, says McCarthy. Just beware of going overboard into avoidance territory. “I think there’s a ridiculously high percentage of people running marathons who are going through a breakup or divorce,” says McCarthy. Sure, joining a gym or running group can be a healthy distraction, but an intense new workout regime also has the potential to turn into a delusion about having a totally together single life, she says.

Face it: you (probably) can’t be friends

Even if you still love your ex on some level, or want to be around them, entering the friend zone is tricky. “There can secretly still be all of these urges for the things that were there in the relationship and this [idea of platonic friendship] is just a Band-Aid,” says McCarthy. “It’s just a way to not let go of things.”

That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to be friends with your ex, though. “I do think it’s possible, with proper self-awareness and guidance, to go through that process to truly let go of the elements of the relationship that made it intimate and transition into a friend relationship,” says McCarthy. After all, there are circumstances where you just can’t completely sever ties. If you have kids, for example, you’re going to have to figure out a way to remain friends (or at least friendly), for their sake. If – and it’s a big if – you remain connected, there will need to be a lot of boundaries established to keep it healthy. Bottom line: No matter what, they’re not your go-to text person anymore. Period.

Think twice about dating apps

There’s a fine line between entering a sisterhood and joining Tinder: You don’t want to wait too long to start dating again, but there’s also a danger of jumping in again too quickly, especially if you’re looking for love. “I’m not trying to be moralistic about this—I’m not saying you shouldn’t have rebound sex or something,” says McCarthy. “But you should know within yourself that’s not going to be a good place to be starting a new relationship from.”

So how do you know when you’re really ready to find love again? When you’re clear on what you need, what you want and you’re feeling emotionally stable again. “If you can do that, get out there,” she says.

Related:

9 Reasons Dating in Your 20s Is the Worst
Yes, You *Should* Send the First Message on Dating Apps. Here’s How
How Not to Slide Into Someone’s DMs

The post 6 Tips For Getting Over a Breakup appeared first on FASHION Magazine.